Hey. Whoa this is my first post in 2017! Happy new year dear blog. Haha. Dah nak masuk bulan ketiga baru nak wish happy new year? Haha.
Dah. Aku tak boleh tidor. Entohler. Makin menjadi jadi pulak kebelakangan ni. Entah apa la yang ada dalam otak aku ni.
Lama tak meluah. Uiii taktau nak meluah kat sapa so rasa nak menaip pulok. K maybe teringat dekat orang kot. It's been quite a while lah kan si Jasmin ni ingatkan orang. It took me quite a time to move on haha aduh it was so pathetic. But nevermind, let past be in the past.
It's about now. I just recently felt like I've liked someone. I've known him quite a while. A close friend I can say. Entahlah cemana boleh terjatuh hati. Sebelum ni memang la rapat lama jugak tapi tak terpikir pulak. But then maybe after what happened to me I was quite frightened to open up to people. Asyik nak menyampah ja cepat nak menyirap. So I was okay with him sebab kenal dah agak lama and he is a mature one, walaupun most of the time hambar but yeah maybe sebab aku rasa selesa kot. Haha.
But then things happen. I tried to control I tried to ignore. This time I don't want to repeat the same mistake kan. So when I realized that I like him, I told him the truth. Hahaha omg what have I done. Masa tu macam entah tetiba mana dapat kekuatan dok melawak lawak tetiba terjujur. But then I try hard to pretend that it never happened. I am trying hard to pretend that I am cool with all this. Hakikatnya, of course things change a bit.
Before this masa rapat pun I didn't really bother if we kept in contact or not. But now of course kenkadang macam tertunggu kan. And sure, sebab I don't want to be like before, tak mau lebih lebih takmau tunjuk sangat perasaan sendiri so I build up my ego. Dia tak contact so aku pun tak contact. Sebab aku takmau hegeh. Haha. Awal2 payah jugak sebab memang dulu dah biasa kan apa2 aku kacau ja dia. Tapi sekarang dah lain la, I can't do that because I am too concerned about what he'll feel about me bothering him.
We rarely get in touch. Awal awal payah jugak because I tend to look for him first. Yelah dah dulu biasa macam tu. Kawan kan. Dengan dia la aku kutuk aku bergaduh kenkadang. Walaupun selalu hambar je dia tu jawapan sama dari zaman aku kenal sampai sekarang. Haha. But then there's something about that hambarness that makes me happy when thinking about it.
So I made up my mind that I won't try so hard and I don't want to expect so much. Because I don't want to get hurt again. Kalau ada, adalah. Kalau takdak at least I won't get hurt so bad.
He's busy with work. And I try making myself busy so I won't get drown in the thought of him. Most of the time berjaya la. I mean, takdakla ingat melampau lampau. Tapi kenkadang tu, teringat tu macam teruk jugak la. Macam sekarang ni haa kan aku tak boleh tido ni kes ni la ni haha.
Tapi tulah. Pikir banyak pun takdak pekdah jugak. Since aku sendiri pun tak tau dia rasa macamana. Aku bagai nak rak ingat dia pun kalau dia tak ingat aku buat apa kan. So as I said, kalau ada, adala. Kadang2 aku rasa aku ego tinggi jugak. Because yeah I prevent myself from looking for him first. Tapi awal2 dulu selalu gak gagal. Because I was concern about how was he doing. Macamana kerja ok ka. So sebab aku still eager to look for him first, I decided to delete his number. Haaa. Walaupun dua tiga kali jugak aku buat gitu, pahtu mintak balik number dia when he contacted me. Hahaha. Dengan alasan, aku terpadam, aku tukar phone.
Sorry lah. Haha. The truth is yes I deleted your number. Because I don't want to look for you, I don't want to be the one who needs you more. Sebab rasa macam bertepuk sebelah tangan so I don't want to get worse. Tapi selalu tak jadi jugak. Sebab walaupun jarang, he'll still contact me to ask how am I doing. Tapi kadang2 rasa nak marah jugak. Haha pening kan. Aku rasa nak marah bila aku teringat dia and dia langsung tak contact aku bila aku tak cari dia. Tapi bila dia contact aku pun aku rasa nak marah jugak, because he confuses me. Because I will get my expectation up.
But the truth is, I am just getting angry at myself. Sebab aku taktau when did I start to like him and I still think that this feeling I have, had ruined our friendship. Kadang kadang ada jugaj rasa menyesal sebab I was honest with what I feel. Sebab kalau tak at least sebelum ni aku cari dia main redah ja. Ikut dan aku ja takdak rasa apa. And even when I started to like him, masa tak jujur lagi tu, aku selalu cari dia dengan alasan aku bosan. Haha. Selalu kena kecam masa tu katanya aku jujur sangat cakap cari dia sebab bosan 😂
No lah. I never looked for you just because I was bored. It was because I wanted to talk to you. Bosan tu alasan je. Tapi sekarang aku tak boleh dah nak buat macam tu. Because he knows what I feel, and I don't want him to feel burdened by that. I don't want him to feel sympathy for me. And most importantly, aku taknak kitorang makin renggang sebab rasa awkward. Aku selalu takut dia awkward dengan aku, tapi aku tau sebenarnya aku yang jadi awkward dengan dia.
I don't want to lose you as my friend. Sebab tu aku rasa bersalah bila pikir balik the fact that aku terjatuh suka. Well, I just wanna thank you for being there before. Aku tau aku pernah meroyan persoalkan semua benda masa tengah broken namati dulu. But you were one of my friends that were there, reminding me that I would get better. Masa tu aku menyampah dengan semua orang but I could still talk to him and listen to his advises. And his lame jokes. Seriously he is so hambarrrr. Hahaha.
I must have fallen for him. Selalu aku tak boleh go kalau orang hambar ni memang aku rasa nak sembur je and tarik muka. But this fella, memang la selalu kena sembur jugak bila dia hambar but then, aku boleh senyum macam orang gila teringat kehambaran dia tu haha.
Kkkkk. Dah la. Haha. Apa apa ja la. Kalau ada jodoh, ada lah. Hey but if you ever happen to read this, my mom likes you. K. Haha
K tak tak saja menggeletis. But the fact that we rarely contact each other, and that makes me remember him more. But surprisingly, I can go on with my life, not thinking much about him. But there'll be some times I allow myself to think about him. But, yeah don't let that feeling controls you kan.
Take care there. I don't know how to show. And I don't want to show that I care. And I don't want you to know that I do think of you. Better be like this. Kan. Because I don't know if we have this same feeling or it's just me. So better like this, when you consider me as a friend. So it's not that I don't care or that I've stopped caring, but it's just that I'm trying so hard to stop showing it. Lets not be awkward. Just like how we were before.
I hope one day everything will get clear. So that I don't ruin anything anymore. Haha. K dah habis. Bye bye..