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29 Jan 2015

Relieve



Hi blog. I am here again, since I'm still awake so let's talk about something here. So, today I think had been great. Lately, I was tensed by the assignments, and also the internship problems. It was too stressful till I can't even sleep. Ceh, that was a lie. Even if I'm not stressed out by the assignments I couldn't still get good sleep at night, so no much difference. But today when we heard that anyone who's going to Domino's HQ in Shah Alam for the internship, we don't need to find the second place as the backup, since we are guaranteed to be taken as interns. Ya Allah, I feel like crying out of happiness when they said that. Alhamdulillah, Allah ease everything for us.





So at least, I feel like one burden's gone. What's left just looking for a house for rent in Shah Alam. Well gladly we had contacted some seniors who went there for their internship and gladly there's some houses that we might can consider, even the rent is quite okay and also it can be called as strategic place to stay. So, I'm excited to go for my internship, and finish my Diploma, and graduate!

But then, it's still a long way to go. There are many assignments left to be finished in these last few weeks before our final. And it stresses me too, because of the courses are not easy. They are all very complicated but I hope I can get through all these. Well, Allah puts you in this journey, He might well has prepared a way for you to get through. Believe in that! Never ever think that you can't do this and you can't do that. Allah believes that you can. He knows your ability. That's why He puts you in this journey. He tests you within your limit, so believe in yourself, and put your trust in Allah's plan for you.








Yes so, lets put aside that things. Don't feel like talking about that stressful things. So well, do you ever feel like, you want to give up on something because you definitely sure that it won't work for you, but in the same time you want to keep trying, keep hoping because if you give up, you won't know incredible things that might show up when you keep trying?

Well, it's a dilemma here. You are fighting with your inner self. You know when you really appreciate something and then you lose them. Turned out that the things that you want, is destined not to be with you. But deep inside, you want to believe that if you don't give up, if you don't give up on your hope, that there's maybe some miracle will appear out of nowhere and makes all the dreams come true?

Sometimes I feel like giving up on my hope. Because I watch the possibilities that it can be impossible to be true. Besides, if something is not meant for you, no matter how or what you do, at the end it would never be yours. So what's the function here? Hoping something that unsure to be yours? But if I give up, isn't that means I don't really want that thing? Or. I don't know. I keep having these sorts of questions in my mind. And it stresses me, because I don't know, whether I need to give up now, or I need to hold on to my hopes. And if I give up, it doesn't mean I stop caring, but it's because I know, that others don't care.

Isn't it painful? To watch someone who you thought was the one, to be happy with someone they love? Here comes the feeling part again, well yeah, I thought I'm not gonna write this things up again but now, I don't know. As I'm still awake right now because I keep having all these thoughts in my mind. So I decided to pour it out.

How come, we can love someone so much that we can't stop caring about them, even after they have torn us into pieces. You know how it feels, to be broken. Well of course, sometimes you hope that they will feel the same as they gave you. The pain. The exact same pain. The exact same damage that they've caused to you. You thought that you would be happy if they feel the same, after what they have done to you. Well, simply means they deserve that, right? What goes around comes around. You get what you served out to the world. Kifarah.

But the moment things become like that, when you see them in that situation, can you feel really happy about it> Because I can't, and I don't know why. How come I feel hurt watching someone (who have destroyed my dreams, broken my trust, broken my heart), when they are hurt? What's wrong with my self? I feel like scolding my own self like, come on! He hurt you, you should say something like: "serve your right! You deserve that!" But why I.. can't?

It feels so hurt, to just watching someone you love from away. Silently, you make effort to know about them. About their life. You still want to know, how they are doing. Is it fine. Is he happy now. Of course, it hurts me when seeing him being happy with someone else. But I don't get it, why should I feel more hurt seeing him being sad? That's not even should be my concern anymore. Like, hey, look at yourself Jasmin. After all things that happened to you, don't you realize how broken you were? Yet, you are still broken. You aren't fixed yet. You aren't healed yet. Why you should care about someone, who will never know, that you're exist. Someone who will never know, how much you are still hoping that someday, he will see. He will feel. That you are still there. Hoping for him to turn around and realize that you are still standing in the same place where he had ditched you out of his life,not moving an inch.

I know it sounds pitiful, and it does seem pathetic. Like, why would you torture yourself for someone who did not want you in his life? Because if he wants you to be apart of his life, he will make a space. He will fight to keep you. But he didn't, so why should you do that? People say, everyone deserves better. Everyone deserves chances to be happy. I think I deserve better too. But why? I don't know. When my mind keep telling mo to give up, move on, and forget everything. But my heart, it keeps telling me to never stop hoping. Never stop praying. Because deep down, the heart, it knows that he wasn't that bad. It feels the difference when he's around. It feels the difference when his voice heard laughing, and his face looks when he's smiling.  Because the heart feels better. The heart feels what mind couldn't see.

But still, of course I realize how stupid I am to still waiting and hoping. Because it's not that I'm clueless of what he wants and what he loves. I'm aware that it's not me. And maybe it will never be me. It's someone else. He loves that someone, as strong as the way I love him. I know. When I look at them, being happy together, I feel a little pain inside, but somehow I can still feel glad because I at least know that he made the right choice. He chose the right one, and that's why he can be that happy. I wonder if he chose me over her, would that smile never appear again on his face? Or all the smiles and laughter, would be just fake? How terrified is that, to watch the one you love to be that sad. 

Well, at least I can still watch that lively side of him again, even I can just silently do it. My friends are still pushing me to move on, because they said it is enough for me to suffer, I know. Thanks dear friends. But I don't know, when will all these feelings end? I don't even know how to describe it. The way it hurts me to see him with someone else, or the way it hurts me even more when I see him being sad and I can't even help to listen to his problems anymore because we are stranger now. I don't know which one is worse. Because this stubborn little heart, still doesn't want to give up. I said I have gotten over him, but was it just my ego? Because I don't want to seem that pathetic. But, no matter how much I lied to other people around me, at the end of my nights, I still can't lie to me.

I am confuse when sometimes I want him to feel what I feel. But in the same time, I don't want him to feel how terrible that pain is. I barely went through all that. I remember exactly each single moments I struggled on my own, to get over the pain, to get over the broken crashed feelings inside. I know how bad it was, and I don't want him to feel that. People will say I'm hypocrite. Trying to look good as an angel hah? Yeah, people will say that. But who cares? Because they don't feel what I feel towards him. They know nothing. Not even a single thing.

But of course, I do hope that I will get over this one day. If it is not meant for me, I want myself to get over this. I'm still struggling, but in the same time it becomes hard because of the hope I still insist to keep deep inside. I don't know which one should I give up on. Should I give up the struggle and keep hoping? Or should I give up on the hopes, and keep struggling to forget everything. This is my dilemma. Troublesome it is. 

I'm thinking of, if that's the thing that will make him happy, so why would I be hoping otherwise right? It's good then, good for him, good for them, and InshaAllah one day I'll get something which is better for me. But maybe I'm afraid of, not feeling difference, the way I feel different towards him. I guess it hits me really hard this time. I've never care this much for someone I think. All this while I remember how selfish I used to be just for me to be happy, but with him, it seems like I've get rid out that selfishness of mine. 

I hope I will be fine. I hope I can get over this thing, sooner or later. It has been almost a year. When February comes, it will be a year when everything first started. I remember every things. Every single things. How different it was, a year ago. And how different it is now. I can't seem to forget everything yet. But I try to act maturely. As mature as I can. But seeing myself typing this thing up again here, maybe I'm not that mature yet. Nevermind. Everyone is different.

I can only watch from here. Far away. Because I can't deny that I still care. I thought I don't give a damn. But I'm wrong, I still wanted to know his condition. I still want to see that smile on his face.  I still want to know what he's doing in progress. Creepy or pitiful? Both maybe. Haha. Jasmin, lets get this over sooner or later, okay?

Whatever it is, I try my best to be positive. All I can do is keep praying that everything will be alright. For me, for him, and for them. For all of us. If that's the source of his happiness, where his heart belongs to, I should pray the best for him, am I right? Because they said







All I need to do now is just, keep praying for the best, right? And I hope I will keep moving, until I find the place where I belong to. Maybe I want him, because he's different. But maybe, Allah has plan something different for me too. Right? I need to be positive, and put my trust in Allah, right? Please say that I'm doing right, say that I'll be alright. YES, I'll be alright :)

It's been too long I guess. It feels free to write here since I know there's not much people reading this blog. I can write what I feel, what happen and what I want. It feels better now. May Allah ease everything for us. And may we not being a person full with grudge, greed, anger and jealousy for others. May we be given strength to forgive others as well as strength to apologize for mistakes that we have done. Laila saedah, fihifzillah, I leave you in the care of Allah, MHS.




Terima Kasih Sudi Baca Cerita Saya ^^,

25 Jan 2015

Insomniac



Dear blog. Hahaha. Sangat. Okay macam zaman sekolah dulu dulu, dear diary dear diary. So here I am, writing. Again. Yeay. Ok. This is a life of an insomniac like me. Sekarang dah pukul 4 dan aku masih lagi berjaga, segar bugar fresh freshie. Langsung tak rasa mengantuk. Masalah betul.

Kadang kadang aku pon heran jugak. Kenapa dan mengapa berlakunya gejala insomnia ini. Tambah lagi dekat aku. Walaupun dah berdesing telinga aku asyik kena bebel dengan semua orang. Mak. Ayah. Bella. Yana. Wani. Mari. Baru baru ni Atin pon sekali masuk membebel aku bila dia tau aku tak tido malam. Kalau tido pon lepas subuh baru berjaya nak tido. Sebelum tu jangan harap la, kadang kadang je rasanya aku boleh tido, tu pun paling awal dekat pukul 3 jugak.





Atin kata, "CikMin ni banyak pikir kot sebab tu jadi macam tu. Bahaya tau nanti macam macam penyakit dapat. Tengok ni dah satu penyakit kena pakai spec dah, nanti darah rendah la bla bla bla" dan seterusnya satu group mock meeting membebel aku di malam yang penuh syahdu itu.

Girls, I know. Haha. Bukan aku tak tahu. Ye bahaya kalau tak cukup tido ni. Tapi aku nak buat macamana. Kalau aku tutup fon pon, aku akan pusing kiri pusing kanan, last last dekat pukul 6 jugak aku boleh tido. Kalau hari kelas lagi la, 6.30 dah bangun. Mungkin sebab tu jugak aku selalu tido petang. Memang la dorang kata sebab tido petang la hang takleh nak tido malam. Dah aku nak buat apa? Kalau aku tahan tak tido petang, konon nak bagi badan dengan otak letih so aku akan senang tido malam, tapi bila malam, tetap aku tak boleh tido jugak sampai dekat subuh. Sebab tu la aku tido jugak petang, sebab waktu petang tu aku selalu sakit kepala dah sebab tak cukup tido. And sebab tu jugak badan cepat penat so rakan rakan, jangan amalkan tido petang sebolehnya sebab tak elok !







So sekarang ni pon aku tak mengantuk lagi, jadi aku bukak la Barbie movies. Heheheh. you are never too old for Barbie girls. Layan ape magic magic terbang sana sini tuka baju sekelip mata. Takdelah stress sangat nak nangis nangis macam cerita melayu yang selalunya cliche kau baru tengok 5 minit pertama kau dah boleh predict the ending of the story.

Ok nak tengok Barbie and the Diamond Castle. Ulang ulang dan ulang sebab tak tahu movie apa yang best nak tengok. So, yeah kejap nak letak lagu ni, dulu macam tak suka tapi sejak minat Shila Amzah ni baru terasa kesukaannya itu. Lirik dia deep sakitnya tu di sini, bolehlah layan je la kan banyak komplen pulak diri sendiri suara umpama katak kembong lagi nak komplen haha. Ok bai







Terima Kasih Sudi Baca Cerita Saya ^^,

22 Jan 2015

Stay Strong



Hi my blog. Sorry for haven't writing any post for quite a long time. Quite lah kan takde la sebulan tapi hampir jugak la sebulan tu. Sebabnya, biasa lah last sem dekat UPSI ni so I'm very busy. Now we are already in our ninth week. Busy takyah cakap. Stress macam apa lagi ya Allah memang aku rasa macam, nak baling semua benda hampuk kepala dekat dinding.

Selalunya minggu 9-12 memang yang paling busy lah dengan assignment. Minggu ni lah nak present. Minggu ni lah nak hanta report. Minggu ni lah nak buat itu ini. Tambah pulak sem ni kalut dengan nak pikir kitorang punya LI lagi. Hah memang dah serupa mak limah tahap serabut aku. Tak yah kata, semua memang stress tahap gaban.

Banyak benda gila nak pikir. Tambah lagi pasal LI. Nak cari tempat lagi. Nak tunggu approve lagi. Sesuai ke tidak. And is the job fills the job specification that required by our faculty. Memang. PENAT. Tambah lagi penat otak, so rasa macam bertambah tambah beban tu. Dengan assignments lagi yang semuanya takyah cita la, memang payah lah kan subjek last sem ni. Meeting, interview, research. Dah ngalahkan  budak degree aku rase












Semua benda pon menyerabutkan. Tambah lagi aku dengan masalah insomnia aku ni. Tido nya tak. Pusing kiri pusing kanan. Sampai hari tu kena naik ambulans sebab hampir pitam dalam kelas Mr Sasi. Hahaha punya cuak kekawan aku. Last last, sekarang ni aku dah kena pakai spec. Semuanya sebab aku ni rajin sangat menghadap skrin dalam gelap. Sampai dah bagi effect dekat kepala. Mana tak pening kepala kalau mata tak jaga. Dah la tak tido pastu asyik mengadap phone dalam gelap sampai ke pagi. so makanya jadilah aku budak yang memakai spec sekarag ni. Tapi aku just pakai dalam kelas je lah, and waktu malam and time ngadap laptop. Sebab silau je pon, rabun tak teruk langsung pon sebenarnya. Kalau ikut ekonomi, takdenye rajin aku nak perabih duit buat spec, sebab aku rasa macam takde masalah pon sebenarnya, ok je selama ni nampak jelas terang dan nyata. Tapi sebab doktor tu dah kata macam tu, sebab masalah kepala aku yang asyik sakit dan pening so fine, melayang duit jugak.



Nampak tak ciri ciri bakal cikgu yang garang tu

So rasa rasa aku nampak bijak tak dengan pakai spec tu? Hahaha. Nampak je lah bijak padahal dok bengong lalat lagi. Kalau merepek ye aku bijak gila. Ok nak tulis apa lagi. Lama tak tulis so blur. Tapi rasa lega sebab dapat menaip. At least aku boleh nak cerita apa benda yang berserabut dalam otak aku ni. Walaupun jelas dan nyata nampak aku punya serabut sampai kena cop gila dengan kawan kawan aku kan. Tapi. Dah memang aku tengah serabut. Boleh kata ada dekat 10 benda kena buat untuk 3 minggu ni. And semuanya bukannya simple. Complicated! Aku rasa macam nak tarik tarik rambut sambil buat chicken dance yang berunsur ulik mayang.

Dah la. Rasa macam nak beradu. Hah, ni lah, lagi aku stress banyak keje, terus aku tido. Bila nak siap kejanya kan? Pahtu sibuk stress. Padan la muka si Jasmin hoi. Tapi nak buat cemana, dah malam aku takleh nak tido langsung, so terpaksa la tido petang sebab kalau tak memang aku boleh jalan sekali ngan zombie la sambil mintak otak masak lemak, sebab penat badan tak rehat. Ok lah blog, aku nak tido. Bye blog kesayangan nanti aku taip dekat engko lagi ye blog <3

And semoga semuanya dipermudahkan. Walau macamanapun kena yakin yang kita mampu nak hadap semua ujian ni, sebab Allah uji dalam limit kemampuan kita. So sebab Allah tahu kita mampu buat la yang Allah bagi kita ujian macam ni. May Allah ease everything, InshaAllah. So, stay strong!










Terima Kasih Sudi Baca Cerita Saya ^^,

1 Jan 2015

New Trial, New Story



Hi. So today is the last day in 2014. Well, I admit that time flies so fast. Sedar tak sedar, esok dah nak masuk 2015. Cepatnya masa berlalu. Rasa macam baru je kemarin aku wish new year. Eh esok dah new year pulak. 




What to say. 2014 had been a very great-tough year for me, Dalam masa setahun ni, macam macam yang Allah bagi aku rasa. Macam macam pengalaman yang Allah bagi aku tempuh. Tak kurang juga, kehilangan. Well, macam biasa memang setiap kali masuk tahun baru, kita akan mula kata yang tahun sebelumnya banyak benda yang kita belajar bla bla bla. Same thing over and over again. 






But for me, 2014, is the most tough year so far. I mean, I managed to get through many things. And mostly, sendiri. Sebab ye lah sekarang ni kan duduk jauh dari rumah. So every single problem, aku belajar untuk settle sendiri, tanggung sendiri. Bertanggungjawab atas perbuatan sendiri. Everything, became the beginning of my independence.  

Aku belajar banyak sangat benda. Terlalu banyak. Dan aku bersyukur sangat sangat, sebab semua benda yang pernah datang dan pergi dalam hidup aku, semua tu buat aku belajar untuk menghargai. Buat aku belajar untuk kuat. Buat aku belajar untuk mensyukuri setiap masa yang berlalu. Sebab, masa yang dah berlalu, kita takkan dapat semula. That's why, kita perlu hargai setiap saat yang ada.

Kalau nak tanya azam, setiap tahun pon ada azam. Cuma tercapai atau tidak tu, it depends on us. Tapi untuk aku, I just want to be a better person. Mungkin pada dunia. Keluarga. Sahabat. Kawan. Tapi yang sebetulnya, di sisi Tuhan. Itu je. Cuma kadang kadang, aku ni tak kuat mana. Manusia, selalu sangat tergelincir. Sebab tu, aku selalu doa yang Allah temukan aku dengan orang orang yang baik. Sahabat sahabat yang boleh tegur aku. Bimbing aku. Nasihat aku. Sebab takkan selamanya aku nak di takuk yang lama. Dunia ni, dah tak lama. Kan? Cuma aku tahu, Allah takkan ubah nasib seseorang melainkan dia mulakan langkah tu dulu. Maka, doakan aku tidak lalai hingga abaikan langkah mendekati Tuhan.

And, for those people, sama ada yang pernah ada, atau yang still ada di sisi aku. Terima kasih. aku hargai saat yang korang luangkan untuk aku. Sebab setiap dari kalian, mengajar aku sesuatu. And I'm sorry for any mistakes that I have done, sengaja atau tak sengaja. Moga dimaafkan. Terima kasih :)

So takde benda dah. Semoga semua azam dan cita cita bakal dicapai. Dan semoga Allah buka jalan untuk kita di tahun baru ni. Tutup buku lama, buka buku baru. Kalau pernah jatuh, bangun lagi. Cuba lagi. Kejayaan itu milik orang yang berusaha, bersabar dan bertawakkal. Selamat Tahun Baru, welcome 2015, may you become a better year for all of us






p/s : Wefie sempena hari last 2014 !







Terima Kasih Sudi Baca Cerita Saya ^^,