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19 Apr 2014

Get What You Gave





Hai ! Ok nampak tak aku dah rajin nak update blog. Maklumlah sejak masuk sem 3 ni banyak sangat masa terluang alahai. Heaven gila kelas sekarang. First week je, lecturer dah cancel empat kelas, peh memang terbaik la Madam Qistina. Dia sangat best. Ok ni bukan sebab dia cancel kelas aku nak puji-puji dia, tapi dia memang sangat best. Lembut je bercakap and agak kelakar dan boleh masuk kepala dengan kitorang. So conclusion dan summary nya dia sangat best. Dia sangat best. Dan dia sangat best. Ok dia best. Ok serious dia best. Dia sangat best. Ok sila paksa aku berhenti kata dia best.

Okay dan kelas pon sangatlah heaven. Sebab kitorang dah berjaya, I mean dorang dah berjaya pujuk untuk pack kan schedule Isnin sampai Rabu, so Khamis, Jumaat takde kelas. Dan dah di approve. Dan alamatnya kami cuti empat hari. Dan alamatnya ini sangat membahagiakan. Dan alamatnya Madam Qistina memang terbukti sangat best. Kbai

Pastu lagi. Nak cite pasal result. Haa sebut result ingat lagi cemana kemain cuak aku masa result keluar. Mula relaks lagi sebab depa kata result keluar hari Jumaat. Aku dengan santainya relaks lah konon hari Khamis tu selamba abadi turun gi discussion untuk camp, tetiba Syu cakap yang result dah released. Peh boleh tengok aku macam kena geletek dengan bulu ayam kat tapak kaki dia punya tahap gelisah. Sampai Wani tegur, Cik Min awat muka hang pucat. Haha, serious talk cuak gila. Sebab aku memang dok dapat firasat yang pointer nak jatuh, sebab ada certain subject yang aku rasa sangat lah payah. So berbekalkan kekentalan hati dan semangat angin kus-kus aku pon cek. Dan, nak tengok? Ok aku nak share lah kat sini, asyik cerita pasal sedih cerita pasal gembira pulak ye dak? 








So this is what I got. Bukan nak menunjuk ke berlagak, mulut jangan capoi ok :P Just nak share, lagipon this is my blog so ikut suka kita lah haih :D This is what I got, for what I have given. Alhamdulillah, dapat naikkan sikit pointer tu, nasib baik tak jatuh kalau tak meraung jugak aku rasa. Public speaking tu memang tak sangka la nak dapat A, thanks a lot Mr Sasigaran, I know you helped me actually. Sebab kalau ikut aku kena skor 100% in final untuk dapat A sebab aku punya carrymark 60/80. Walaupun soalan dia memang actually sangatlah senang Alhamdulillah. Dan English Language Pronunciation pon mesti Miss Marya tolong kitorang sebab masa final, satu kelas tak boleh jawab. Bukan satu kelas, semua budak D.I.E batch aku memang tak boleh jawab pon paper tu, harapkan kepada carrymark je.

Apapon Alhamdulillah, sebab dapat lagi peluang nak merasa Dean's List tu. Masa cakap kat mak dengar suara dia happy gila, ucap tahniah. Lega rasa hati. Kalau result aku jatuh mesti aku rasa serba salah nak cakap kat mak ayah. I've given what I can, so I get what I deserve. Tapi tak dapat sangkal, aku ni bukannya la jenis yang sangat rajin eh tak tak. Semua ni, apa yang aku capai, aku sebenarnya yakin hanya atas berkat doa mak dengan ayah aku selama ni. Dan jugak lecturer dan cikgu-cikgu. Sebab kalau nak ikutkan aku punya usaha, ehem, memang taklah kan sebab aku ni bukannya seorang yang rajin tahap kuasa dua. Aku insan biasa. Cewah.

Sekarang pon dah mula busy dengan hidup aku as student. Untuk sem ni, ada tiga subject yang kitorang belajar. Translation 1, English at Workplace and English Language Camp Management. Haa cita dia, sem ni kami kena handle satu English Language Camp and we're working on it now. Tengah siapkan proposal, paperwork, bajet 2015 bagai sponsor dan segala adik beradiknya. Sem ni 7 minggu je, memang serupa zombie lah kami. Sebab semua kena siapkan secara rushing. Peh.


Umpama zombie memanggil beghain beghain beghain



So that's all for now. Nanti rajin update lagi lah. So keep calm and lets be zombies that want to eat beghain. What is beghain? Beghain. Beghain. Use your beghain.


Know me?






Terima Kasih Sudi Baca Cerita Saya ^^,

18 Apr 2014

Past, Present & Future




It's really hard to let go, when you realize that you truly loving. Sometimes you'll realize that actually, second, third or what-so-ever love in your life, is actually the first real love for you. I feel it now. I feel it, when I truly love someone, and when I'm asked why, I have no answer for that. I fell for him, for no reason. I really can't state any reason why I love him this deep. It just, when I'm with him, I feel complete. I feel calm. I feel like smiling. And, for the first time, I am really sure to say his name in all my du'a, that I really want him, to complete me and my life, in my future later on.

But I forgot, that we can only plan. We can only try our best. But at the end, the one who will decide, is Allah, the Greatest Planner. Allah, the one who knows the best. Allah, the one who will give us, the best in our life. Allah, the one who knows the best that we need. Astaghfirullah. I'm sorry, for questioning why did You test me like this. I forgot, it's because Allah loves us, that He tests us, right?








To be honest, now, it's still really hurt me when I'm pretending that I don't care. When I say that I'm learning to let go. Because deep inside, I know that I'm actually still holding on to all memories between me and him. They were too beautiful and perfect, that it becomes knives in my heart when I try to let them go. No I can't. No I don't want. Because they were part of me. And they were part of him. And, they were part of us.

People will say I'm stupid, people will say I'm blind. To hold on him who hurt me. Hei, he did mistakes. But I realize something, I did mistakes too. So, honestly, I can't blame him for his mistakes. He did his best. He did what he thinks the best for all. If he's trying his best, I know I shouldn't questioning reason he's doing this and that. Because, I'm human. And so does him. I can't blame everything on him because I know, he's doing his best.

Yes. It hurts me. It hurts me too bad. I can't deny that. Because, once I accepted him before, I didn't expected things would turn this way. Because I was happy. I can't deny it too. The way he appeared. The way he completed my days. The way he made me smile. The way he made me laugh. Everything, they were just perfect. And, for me, he's just perfect. Flaws and good, they are all in him, but they perfect him the way he is. To be with him, is one of my biggest dream. When we dreamed together about our future, that moment was so, what to say, perfect. He stole my heart. Completely. Why and when. I don't know. I didn't fell in love with his look, what he has, way he treated me. But I fell in love with him. He himself. The way he was there for me. All his flaws, also make me feel like, I'm really lucky because, I got the chance to know this boy.







But yeah, as I said, I forgot that we can only dream, plan and pray. He decides everything. I knew him, for almost a year. But we were serious after 6 months being friend. Really, I've never thought, he would be special to me. I've never thought, he would stole my heart. I've never thought, he would be this important to me. I rarely show, I rarely said that I love him when we were being serious for that special one month, but deep inside, I really, fell hard. I didn't fell hard on the spot, I mean fast. But I was falling hard day by day. Today, I love him. Tomorrow, I love him more. Next day, he makes me realized that I'm falling more and more. Slowly. Step by step. 

Maybe one month is too short for him. He has his own past. Two years memories. I know how hard it is. Two years versus one month. For sure I will never win. Nevermind for that. I understand, how hard it is. Because me myself, had two years memories. And, even worse, 6 years memories that I've let go when I decided to choose him as my present and my future. I know it's not fair for me to keep questioning


If I can let go my past, why can't you?


Because I know, we are in different situation. Me and him, are two different persons. Two different background. Two different ways of thinking. Two different level of patience. Two different level of loving. I know. I understand. So I stop questioning his decision, even I can't deny, he hurt me when he chose his past, when I decided to forget my past when I accepted him.

When I'm with him, things I felt different. When I looked at him, my heart whispers, I want him, to be in my life in future. That face. Those eyes. That smile. That laugh. That annoying camouflage face. The way he looked at me. The way he talked to me. The way he reacted. Every single things about him, make me happy, make me smile.

When he asked, why it is so hard to let him go, and think him as a friend like before. Sometimes I fell weird by myself. I ask myself, why it's so hard to let go. You just started with him, why did you became like this. Sorry. I just can't. Because he was the one who stole my heart. He used to be more than that. He used to make my day beautiful. He used to be there when I was crying. He used to be there, laughing on our jokes. He used to be there when I was feeling depressed. He was there to hear all my jokes, stories. He was there to laugh at my clumsiness. He was there through my thick and thin. For those a few weeks, he was completely there whenever I deeded him. I just can't pretend suffering of amnesia, and pretend that I have never knew him before, after what we've gone through, well even it was just a month but I knew him before that. I used to see how he laughed,  how he smiled. How he sulked. How he was being annoying. All those things in him, made me so happy, so I'm sorry because honestly, yes it is hard to let him go.






But I know, things have changed. I'm trying my really best to stay away. He's with her. Maybe right now, he's saying the same things he said to me, to her. I can't lie that it doesn't hurt me at all. I can't deny that I'm actually still stalking them. He seems fine. He seems happy. They seem happy. But maybe it's the best, when I do that, I'll hurt myself more and more, and maybe with that, I'll able to force myself to accept the truth that he's really happy now and I can't take away that happiness from him. People say, if you really love someone then let them go to find their happiness. Let them go, if you want to see that smile and laugh do not disappear from their face. Let them go, and live happily with what they want. So, that's what I'm trying to do. To let him go. The moment I force myself to give up, was actually the moment I'm stabbing myself. Because, giving up on things I love, is not me. But this time, I have to give up.






I'm grateful, that Allah gave me chance, to have him in my life. I'm grateful that I used to be the reason behind his smiles and laughs. Time flies too fast. And things changed unexpectedly. Now, he's not in my life as he was before. But still, he's my friend. Whatever happened, even he hurt me, I can't make myself hate him. I've tried to hate him, because I want to let him go. Because deep inside, I know I'm actually, still have this feeling. Things are different now. People will say me stupid for loving someone like this. And I think he will feel annoyed, looking how I'm still writing about those memories he left. I don't care. Because now, it is me who's going through. People will never understand, until they experience themselves.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for all this. He gave him to me as a reason to smile. He gave him to me as a reason to laugh. He gave him to me, as a reason to believe that I can love again. He gave him to me, as a reason to believe that I can be loved like he loved me. Even now, things have changed, He gave him still as a reason for me, to learn, to sincerely loving someone till I can let him go, just to make sure, he'll never stop smiling and laughing. And also for me to believe that, He's planning something, which at the end, we'll get the best for ourselves because He knows best. Maybe, it is me, who is not good enough for him. Or maybe, he's not the best for me. But, maybe, perhaps, He stays us away now, and if one day, if we're meant to be together, we'll meet again when we are better for each other, and when we are ready to give the best for each other. Who knows? Allah knows, and if one day Allah says YES, there will be nothing that can say NO.









Terima Kasih Sudi Baca Cerita Saya ^^,

14 Apr 2014

Kenapa


Kadang-kadang, aku terfikir sendiri. Kenapa ya, susah sangat nak paksa hati kita untuk lupakan hal yang menyakitkan kita. Kenapa ya, hati kita kadang-kadang kita rasa dah kuat, dah sado orang kata, but on the next day, kita akan rasa lemah semacam, dan akan rasa sakit semula. Kenapa ya?

Menaip, sebab aku perlu meluahkan apa yang terbuku. Bila diluah dalam doa, itu menenangkan aku. Tapi kadang aku rasa aku perlu luahkan apa yang aku rasa, bukan melalui lisan tapi melalui nukilan. Tapi, manusia akan menilai. Itu salah satu keburukan bila kita meluah dengan cara ni. Aku pon tau benda tu, tapi, aku masih rasa ini adalah salah satu cara untuk aku buang rasa beban, berat, sebak dalam hati, kenapa ya?

Kadang-kadang, aku rasa aku dah mampu tersenyum ikhlas dengan semua yang aku pernah lalui. Tapi kenapa, kadang aku rebah semula. Rasa sakit tu, dok mai ketuk bagi salam kat hati aku ni. Kenapa ya?

Sebab aku tak faham diri aku sendiri ke. Mungkin. Kadang aku sendiri keliru dengan diri aku. Aku nak sesuatu, tapi kadang aku rasa aku tak layak untuk sesuatu benda, maka Allah jauhkan aku dari benda yang aku nak. Tapi bukankah kita perlu berusaha, tapi kenapa ya, hati ni kadang rasa ragu. Aku keliru. Kita hendakkan sesuatu maka kita disuruh berusaha. Tapi ada lagi satu kenyataan, kita perlu melepaskan sesuatu jika kita dah berusaha tapi jalannya buntu. Aku keliru. Aku perlu bersabar dan berusaha lagi, atau aku perlu mengalah. Sedangkan aku tau, kalau sesuatu sudah ditakdirkan untuk aku, suatu saat ia akan kembali semula pada aku. Tapi kenapa hati ni degil sangat, payah sangat nak hadam hakikat ni. Kenapa ya?

Kenapa ya, aku mudah sangat rasa sedih. Mudah sangat rasa lemah dengan semua benda yang menguji aku. Walaupun jauh di sudut hati aku meyakini yang ada hikmah semuanya. Tapi dalam jalan aku bersabar mencari hikmah tu, kenapa hati ni masih nak mempersoalkan apa yang terjadi. Hati, kenapa ya?

Kadang aku rasa, aku sebenarnya dah boleh terima apa yang ditetapkan untuk aku. Tapi kenapa bila aku duduk sorang-sorang, aku masih nak rasa sedih bila teringat semula rasa gembira yang aku pernah rasa. Aku mengingati rasa gembira, senyum dan tawa. Tapi, kenapa aku bersedih. Sedangkan semuanya pernah membuatkan aku ketawa. Tapi kenapa saat aku ingat semula, aku rasa sedih pulak. Kenapa ya?

Kenapa ya, bila kita menyayangi seseorang, sama ada dalam diam atau terang-terangan, kita akan payah melupakan. Sedangkan kita tahu, ikhlasnya rasa sayang tu, terbukti bila kita mampu tersenyum melihat orang yang kita sayang, tersenyum, walaupun bersama orang lain. Tapi kenapa ya, mulut kita melafazkan rasa gembira melihat orang yang kita sayang gembira walau bukan dengan kita, tapi dalam hati kita, jauh dalam hati kita, kenapa perlu ada rasa sakit dan cemburu. Kenapa ya?

Kadang rasa dah boleh terima semua sebagai kenangan. Tapi, kenapa ya, bila teringat, rasa masih nak menangis. Kenapa lemah sangat. Kenapa hati berat melepaskan. Walaupun aku sedar satu hakikat tentang jodoh. Walaupun aku sedar, kalaupun aku masih bersama dengan orang yang aku sayang, tapi suatu saat kalau dah tertulis memang tak ada jodoh antara kami, lambat laun aku perlu terima kenyataan tu jugak. Dan satu lagi berkaitan jodoh yang aku sendiri yakin selama ni, walau jauh mana berpisah. Walau apa yang jadi, kalau dah nama jodoh, at the end tetap akan bersama. Aku sedar. Aku sendiri yakin semua tu. Tepi hati, kenapa kau masih nak berdolak dalih, nak rasa berat dan terbeban dengan semua ni. Kenapa ya?

Jawapan dia mudah. Sebab aku, manusia. Mungkin sebab aku, terlalu leka. Jadi Allah hadirkan ujian untuk tarik aku semula. Ya, aku tau. Aku, tak sebaik mana, masih mencari jalan tu. Terima setiap kali diuji. Tapi, bila diuji dengan perasaan, mudah je aku lemah. Perasaan tu, Allah yang hadirkan. Bagi aku indah. Bagi aku, kegembiraan. Tapi saat ni, aku rasa aku dah kuat, tapi saat berikutnya, aku jatuh semula. Kadang Allah hadirkan seseorang, untuk mengajar kita sesuatu. Kehadiran seseorang tu, mengajar aku untuk menghargai rasa sayang. Mungkin sekejap. Tapi bila Allah tarik semula, aku tewas dengan perasaan sendiri.

Sejujurnya, aku tak boleh nak lari dari kenyataan yang aku ni kaum hawa, yang ada hati dan perasaan yang lembut. Selama ni aku sembunyikan semua tu di sebalik gelak dan tawa aku. Selama ni aku bangga dengan diri sendiri, sebab aku rasa aku jenis yang kuat hati dan mental. Tapi bila diuji baru aku sedar yang aku tak kuat mana. Lemah. Terlalu lemah rupanya aku. Jadi, aku perlu bangkit.

Dalam usaha nak melangkah, aku tetap tak boleh halang diri aku dari toleh ke belakang. Toleh untuk tengok semula apa yang aku pernah tempuh. Apa yang aku pernah ada. Allah yang tahu, bagaimana rindunya aku dengan semua tu. Sayang. Satu rasa yang Allah hadirkan dalam hati aku untuk dia. Jauh dalam hati aku, aku tau walau lepas apa yang terjadi, rasa tu, sikit pon tak berubah. Walaupun aku sendiri sudah meragui hati dia yang dulu pernah aku curi katanya. Masihkah sama. Atau sudah terhapus semuanya.  Aku tak tau. Walaupun perit. Dan pedih, bila kita pendam semuanya dalam diam. Melihat dari jauh. Mengharap dari jauh. Tapi bukankah berdiam itu lebih baik. Aku tau. Aku sendiri sedar Allah sedang merencana sesuatu. Tapi kadang-kadang aku rasa geram dengan hati sendiri, yang selalu tak sabar nak cari hikmah yang tersembunyi tu. Aku paksa diri untuk menjadi matang. Mungkin aku belum cukup matang.

Aku akan cuba untuk pegang dengan apa yang mak pernah kata. Biar apa yang jadi, apa orang buat kat kita. Sabar. Sabar. Jangan sesekali balas balik. Jangan sesekali kita buat benda yang sama kat orang. Kunci dia, sabar. Sabar. Tapi, kali ni bagi aku lain. Sebab aku rasa, aku juga sebenarnya yang menjadi pendorong kepada benda ni. Ya, salah aku jugak sendiri. Sebab awal-awal lagi aku mengalah. Mengalah dan memberi ruang, walaupun masa tu takdir memihak kepada aku. Tapi, aku terburu-buru. Sedangkan masa tu, peluang tu milik aku. Tapi aku, aku sendiri yang lepaskan. Maafkan aku. Maafkan aku. Maafkan aku, sebab rasanya, aku yang memaksa sehingga takdir yang mulanya berpihak pada aku, berpaling. Maafkan aku, maafkan aku untuk itu. Maafkan aku. Sebab aku seolah memutuskan keputusan yang perlu kau ambil, tanpa bagi ruang untuk kau cakap apa sebenarnya yang kau maksudkan dengan soalan tu. Maafkan aku. Maafkan aku untuk itu. Aku betul-betul menyesali semua ketidaksabaran aku waktu tu. Saat aku lepaskan kau hanya kerna satu soalan seringkas tu yang baru sekarang aku sedar, hanya soalan untuk bertanya. Tapi aku yang lepaskan kau. Aku. Aku. Maafkan aku, sekarang, aku sendiri tanggung penyesalan tu. Sangat menyiksakan.

Sebab tu jugak, hati ni rasa berat. Ya sebab tu. Tapi aku pujuk hati, yang semua ni dah dirancang dan ditetapkan. Dan aku jugak yakin, satu saat, andai takdir tu memang tertulis untuk aku, kita akan berjumpa semula, dalam cerita yang sama, situasi yang berbeza, tapi memegang watak yang sama, malah lagi hebat dari sebelumnya. Allah tau apa yang Dia nak buat kan, jadi, hati, kenapa ya perlu nak resah. Kenapa dan mengapa. Jangan persoalkan wahai hati. Sabar. Sabar sayang. Ingatilah pemilik hati yang mutlak, baru kita akan tenang. In Sha Allah.







Terima Kasih Sudi Baca Cerita Saya ^^,

10 Apr 2014

Bila Tiba





Hai ! Long time no see since my last update. Well I'm in home, for my semester break that will come to its end this Sunday and then will be continuing my life as a student. Again, but this time can be called as senior, since I'm in semester 3 now -to-be- 

And the result will be released by this evening or tomorrow, that's what Mr. Sasigaran said because we need to register our semester and it only can be done after the result is released. So, I'm nervous. To see my pointer. Has it drops? I don't know so just wait and see. Tawakkaltualallah :)

When the time comes? Yes, when the time comes for you to realize that, the person you love, sometimes just meant to be in your heart but not in your life. This moment, I'm still, hurt. But I'm trying not to show and trying not to care. Why would care about someone, who you are not sure will care the same as you did?

I don't know, even he cares. But I don't hope he cares. Because that will distract his life, so nevermind. I might have liked many people, but I don't love all people I liked. But when I love someone, there must be something. This moment, I have already started to give up. Because people said, why would you across the ocean for people who don't even dare to cross the pool for you? Yes, they are right. Fighting all by myself, just hurt me more and more.

I just want to see the one I love, being happy. So maybe letting go is the best way. I just hope to see his smile and laugh don't stop. I loved, and I still loving even I was just a mistake. I try not to blame. And I try to forgive everything. Forget? Can forgive doesn't mean can forget. Let time decides.

When you love someone, all things that matter, is to see the person you love, continue their life, happily. I'm going away and away, because I don't want him to feel guilty. Well, I don't know if he even thinking about it the way I still do, but just in case. I did my istikharah. Even I see him in my dream, but for this time, letting go is the best way. Just, to help him, vanishing this mistake he did. That dreams, will they become true? I don't know, let Him decides everything.

Let people be happy. Even you have to sacrifice your own happiness. Don't sacrifice other's happiness just to get your happiness. Because that's mean. For me, being happy on other's tears is impossible. I don't want to do that. That's why I let go. Even I'm crying. Not to say that I'm a good person. But, I just can't. I just can't let myself be the reason for other people to cry.

Maybe this is just punishment. I used to make the one who loved me, sad. I ended everything before, even I know that person loved me. I'm not being cruel, but I'm preventing myself from being cruel towards him. It is better to be honest, rather that being with someone, just based on sympathy. So I ended everything, yes he was hurt. I hurt myself even more when I did that once upon a time, because I hurt a person who love me, but I don't want to keep that relationship just because I felt sorry for him, because that was unfair and he deserves someone who will love him. So maybe this is the punishment. Even the situation is different but still, I have to think and learn something.

Change the topic. Oh ya ! My acting. Hahahahaha. Okay I can't stop laughing looking at myself acting. It has been published. It is so funny. And I wanna share it here. Even it is embarrassing. Our final project, Movie Maker Project for English for ICT conducted by Mr Zahren, on title The Tale of Garlic and Red Onion. Enjoy watching our video and if possible give feedback :) I can't share the video maybe it was too large so if you are interested to watch it just click here ----> The Tale of Garlic and Red Onion

That's all for now ! We'll be seeing again soon. Wish me goodluck for upcoming result ! 




Terima Kasih Sudi Baca Cerita Saya ^^,