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18 Apr 2014

Past, Present & Future

It's really hard to let go, when you realize that you truly loving. Sometimes you'll realize that actually, second, third or what-so-ever love in your life, is actually the first real love for you. I feel it now. I feel it, when I truly love someone, and when I'm asked why, I have no answer for that. I fell for him, for no reason. I really can't state any reason why I love him this deep. It just, when I'm with him, I feel complete. I feel calm. I feel like smiling. And, for the first time, I am really sure to say his name in all my du'a, that I really want him, to complete me and my life, in my future later on.

But I forgot, that we can only plan. We can only try our best. But at the end, the one who will decide, is Allah, the Greatest Planner. Allah, the one who knows the best. Allah, the one who will give us, the best in our life. Allah, the one who knows the best that we need. Astaghfirullah. I'm sorry, for questioning why did You test me like this. I forgot, it's because Allah loves us, that He tests us, right?

To be honest, now, it's still really hurt me when I'm pretending that I don't care. When I say that I'm learning to let go. Because deep inside, I know that I'm actually still holding on to all memories between me and him. They were too beautiful and perfect, that it becomes knives in my heart when I try to let them go. No I can't. No I don't want. Because they were part of me. And they were part of him. And, they were part of us.

People will say I'm stupid, people will say I'm blind. To hold on him who hurt me. Hei, he did mistakes. But I realize something, I did mistakes too. So, honestly, I can't blame him for his mistakes. He did his best. He did what he thinks the best for all. If he's trying his best, I know I shouldn't questioning reason he's doing this and that. Because, I'm human. And so does him. I can't blame everything on him because I know, he's doing his best.

Yes. It hurts me. It hurts me too bad. I can't deny that. Because, once I accepted him before, I didn't expected things would turn this way. Because I was happy. I can't deny it too. The way he appeared. The way he completed my days. The way he made me smile. The way he made me laugh. Everything, they were just perfect. And, for me, he's just perfect. Flaws and good, they are all in him, but they perfect him the way he is. To be with him, is one of my biggest dream. When we dreamed together about our future, that moment was so, what to say, perfect. He stole my heart. Completely. Why and when. I don't know. I didn't fell in love with his look, what he has, way he treated me. But I fell in love with him. He himself. The way he was there for me. All his flaws, also make me feel like, I'm really lucky because, I got the chance to know this boy.

But yeah, as I said, I forgot that we can only dream, plan and pray. He decides everything. I knew him, for almost a year. But we were serious after 6 months being friend. Really, I've never thought, he would be special to me. I've never thought, he would stole my heart. I've never thought, he would be this important to me. I rarely show, I rarely said that I love him when we were being serious for that special one month, but deep inside, I really, fell hard. I didn't fell hard on the spot, I mean fast. But I was falling hard day by day. Today, I love him. Tomorrow, I love him more. Next day, he makes me realized that I'm falling more and more. Slowly. Step by step. 

Maybe one month is too short for him. He has his own past. Two years memories. I know how hard it is. Two years versus one month. For sure I will never win. Nevermind for that. I understand, how hard it is. Because me myself, had two years memories. And, even worse, 6 years memories that I've let go when I decided to choose him as my present and my future. I know it's not fair for me to keep questioning

If I can let go my past, why can't you?

Because I know, we are in different situation. Me and him, are two different persons. Two different background. Two different ways of thinking. Two different level of patience. Two different level of loving. I know. I understand. So I stop questioning his decision, even I can't deny, he hurt me when he chose his past, when I decided to forget my past when I accepted him.

When I'm with him, things I felt different. When I looked at him, my heart whispers, I want him, to be in my life in future. That face. Those eyes. That smile. That laugh. That annoying camouflage face. The way he looked at me. The way he talked to me. The way he reacted. Every single things about him, make me happy, make me smile.

When he asked, why it is so hard to let him go, and think him as a friend like before. Sometimes I fell weird by myself. I ask myself, why it's so hard to let go. You just started with him, why did you became like this. Sorry. I just can't. Because he was the one who stole my heart. He used to be more than that. He used to make my day beautiful. He used to be there when I was crying. He used to be there, laughing on our jokes. He used to be there when I was feeling depressed. He was there to hear all my jokes, stories. He was there to laugh at my clumsiness. He was there through my thick and thin. For those a few weeks, he was completely there whenever I deeded him. I just can't pretend suffering of amnesia, and pretend that I have never knew him before, after what we've gone through, well even it was just a month but I knew him before that. I used to see how he laughed,  how he smiled. How he sulked. How he was being annoying. All those things in him, made me so happy, so I'm sorry because honestly, yes it is hard to let him go.

But I know, things have changed. I'm trying my really best to stay away. He's with her. Maybe right now, he's saying the same things he said to me, to her. I can't lie that it doesn't hurt me at all. I can't deny that I'm actually still stalking them. He seems fine. He seems happy. They seem happy. But maybe it's the best, when I do that, I'll hurt myself more and more, and maybe with that, I'll able to force myself to accept the truth that he's really happy now and I can't take away that happiness from him. People say, if you really love someone then let them go to find their happiness. Let them go, if you want to see that smile and laugh do not disappear from their face. Let them go, and live happily with what they want. So, that's what I'm trying to do. To let him go. The moment I force myself to give up, was actually the moment I'm stabbing myself. Because, giving up on things I love, is not me. But this time, I have to give up.

I'm grateful, that Allah gave me chance, to have him in my life. I'm grateful that I used to be the reason behind his smiles and laughs. Time flies too fast. And things changed unexpectedly. Now, he's not in my life as he was before. But still, he's my friend. Whatever happened, even he hurt me, I can't make myself hate him. I've tried to hate him, because I want to let him go. Because deep inside, I know I'm actually, still have this feeling. Things are different now. People will say me stupid for loving someone like this. And I think he will feel annoyed, looking how I'm still writing about those memories he left. I don't care. Because now, it is me who's going through. People will never understand, until they experience themselves.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for all this. He gave him to me as a reason to smile. He gave him to me as a reason to laugh. He gave him to me, as a reason to believe that I can love again. He gave him to me, as a reason to believe that I can be loved like he loved me. Even now, things have changed, He gave him still as a reason for me, to learn, to sincerely loving someone till I can let him go, just to make sure, he'll never stop smiling and laughing. And also for me to believe that, He's planning something, which at the end, we'll get the best for ourselves because He knows best. Maybe, it is me, who is not good enough for him. Or maybe, he's not the best for me. But, maybe, perhaps, He stays us away now, and if one day, if we're meant to be together, we'll meet again when we are better for each other, and when we are ready to give the best for each other. Who knows? Allah knows, and if one day Allah says YES, there will be nothing that can say NO.

Terima Kasih Sudi Baca Cerita Saya ^^,

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