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17 Sep 2015

17 September 2015


Finally, I've made that decision. Berapa banyak kekuatan yang aku kumpul untuk tegur kau and ask for your help. Sebab aku dah tak nampak cara lain dah.

Sejujurnya, lepas aku cakap macamtu, terus datang rasa menyesal. Kau tanya aku, perlu ke sampai macamtu. Aku sendiri tak tahu. Tapi aku betul dah tak tahu cara apa lagi yang aku boleh buat untuk pelan pelan lepaskan semua ni.

Mungkin nampak remeh. Mungkin nampak macam 'perlu ke sampai macam tu'. And of course, nampak pathetic gila kan. Kalau boleh memang taknak tunjuk, macamana patheticnya aku struggle untuk lupakan satu demi satu. Tapi it's a fact. Memang aku dah sadis sangat dah, sadis nak belajar untuk get over you. Sebab dah setahun lebih aku tunggu kau, and the result is nothing. Sah sah dah situ pathetic nya aku.

Tapi aku sendiri tak tahu kenapa lepas je keputusan dibuat, terus datang rasa menyesal bertimpa. Kalau lah aku boleh tarik balik apa yang aku kata. Tapi. Benda dah jadi kan.

Aku rasa kau faham. Bukan sebab benci. Bukan sebab marah. Lagipun semua benda dah settle between us. Ok je sebenarnya. Tapi disebabkan perasaan aku yang still tak berubah ni, it's ruining everything. Sebab aku tak dapat nak paksa diri aku untuk berhenti berharap yang suatu hari nanti kau akan nampak aku dekat belakang kau. Kau dah jauh melangkah pergi depan, tapi aku, still berdiri dekat tempat yang lama, tunggu kau toleh untuk tengok aku semula. Yes, I'm still waiting. Tapi, sampai bila?

Kalau ikutkan, memang aku taknak give up. Aku taknak give up tunggu kau. Tapi macam yang aku kata, sampai bila? Sebab kemungkinan, kau takkan pernah perasan pon yang aku ni wujud. Even if kau perasan, bab hati perasaan, aku tahu mana boleh paksa. Sebab kalau boleh paksa, aku sendiri pon dah lama move on dan jatuh hati dengan orang lain.

Banyak sangat benda aku nak bagitahu kau. Dan banyak benda aku nak dengar kau bercerita. Mungkin kau tak pernah tahu, satu benda yang aku suka pasal kau is bila kau bercerita. Aku suka dengar entah apa kau membebel cerita itu ini, pasal hari kau teruk ke best, kau komplen itu ini. Cerita dengan sound effect lagi semangatnya. Semua tu, aku tak boleh nak buang. Kau pernah kata bercakap dengan aku kau rasa macam cakap dengan tunggul sebab aku asyik diam kau bercakap. Haha. Sebab aku suka dengar kau bercerita sebenarnya.

Kalau boleh, aku nak kau ingat aku as someone yang selalu ada, susah senang kau. Aku nak dengar semua cerita kau, kau sedih ke happy ke marah ke ape. Tapi semua tu, tinggi sangat harapan aku tu kan. Kalau lah kau tahu, how much I care about you. And how I've waited for you to realize that.

Tapi, aku boleh nampak yang memang takde ruang. Aku tahu, kau sendiri tengah kumpul kekuatan untuk bangun. Jadi takpelah, aku faham bukan mudah untuk kita nak lupa someone yang pernah ada. Dan bukan mudah nak buka hati kita untuk terima orang lain kan? Apa yang kau lalui, itu yang aku lalui. Kau dengan aku masingmasing tengah cuba untuk melupakan, melepaskan. Bezanya, kau belajar melepaskan dia. Dan aku belajar melepaskan kau 😪😖

Mungkin suatu hari nanti kita akan jumpa semula. Aku harap kita jumpa semula. Dan mungkin masa tu, kita masingmasing dah bahagia. Dan kita boleh bertukar cerita, masingmasing gelakkan ketidakmatangan kita. Kan?

Terima kasih sebab pernah ada. Aku rasa beruntung sangat sebab pernah kenal kau, pernah rapat dengan kau walaupun sekejap. Sebetulnya, aku rasa berat nak paksa diri aku untuk give up tunggu kau. Rasa sesal sebab aku dah tak kuat nak hold on lagi. Sebab aku tahu, kau, tak nampak aku ada. Kau tak faham yang perasaan aku masih sama. Jadinya, mungkin betul apa yang aku buat ni.

Memang ada rasa menyesal sebab mintak tolong kau buat macam tu. Sebab kalau tak buat macamtu, mungkin aku masih lagi akan try, akan tunggu. Tapi, mungkin ada sebabnya kenapa tibatiba aku buat keputusan macamtu.

Kau akan tetap dalam ingatan. Aku simpan kau. Aku akan selalu doakan kau. Moga kau jumpa bahagia tu. Aku harap kau jumpa orang yang mampu faham kau, mampu buat kau gembira, yang akan selalu dengan kau susah senang, yang akan selalu support kau, jadi kawan dan sahabat kau. Dan yang paling penting, dia takkan give up untuk kau.

Terima kasih.

P/s: Kadang aku harap sangat kau baca semua ni, sebab aku tahu aku takkan cakap benda ni dekat kau. Tapi, it doesn't matter to you, right? Nevermind, mungkin satu hari nanti kau akan baca 😊 Mungkin




Terima Kasih Sudi Baca Cerita Saya ^^,

13 Sep 2015

Determination versus Desperation



Hello there, it's been a long time since I've wrote in here. Been busy with my practical last few months. Ahamdulillah everything was settled perfectly I guess since most of us managed to get A for industrial training course. Thanks Dr.Napisah! Hehe

Now it's been more than 2 months since I finished my study in UPSI. Some of my friends are working and some had already pursue their degree. Me? Still at home, doing nothing. Hahaha I don't know why I'm so not ready to work. Been thinking of applying for some work but I kept procraste the application process and end up nothing was done. Haha.

Never mind. Well. Determination or desperation. We somehow need to differentiate between these two. When you are determine to do something, you will try your best. But when you are desperate, you seem so pathetic. That's what I am right now. I was so determine to not give up on you. It's been more than a year. Yes, more than a year and I'm still here, holding onto you. And then, by time I realize that I should stop, before my determination turns into desperation. Don't I deserve better? Don't I deserve someone who will love me as much as I will love him? Yes. I deserve that.

I'm really sorry. Sometimes, I regret the decision I made, to say 'hi' again, because I was so confident that I've moved on. Yes, I was so sure that my feelings had changed through time since you were not the one who kept popping out in my mind before I sleep. I didn't think about you anymore. So I was sure, yes I have moved on.

And then, I say 'hi' again. Yes we cleared everything, we agreed that there's no more issues between us. Trust me, it is. Because I could feel that my feeling had changed. And then, we spoke as friend.

I didn't realize that I was playing with fire. Forgive me, I didn't mean to feel again. But I did. And then I realize, it's still you. It's always you all this time. I decided to try again. And again. And then I could see that, you are not the same person anymore.

You are not the same person I used to fall for. It saddens me to look how you've changed. But nevermind, it shouldn't matter right?

I do want to tell you, I'm still here. Don't you see that I'm still here? But then I realize, you know that I'm here. You just don't care. So I laugh at myself. I'm making the same mistake again, am I? You will never notice my existence, that's for sure.

But I'm not blaming you. Because me myself didn't expect that I will feel the same again towards you. My fault. My wrong. I underestimed those feelings. They are stronger than I thought. I'm sorry that I ruined everything again. Forgive me for this feeling. Believe me, I want it to vanish as well. I don't want to feel this way. Me too want to give up, move on and find someone else.

I do want to see you happy. It still saddens me to see you upset. You might say I'm pretending to be nice or whatsoever to you. But, nevermind. I just want you to be happy. No matter what you do, or whoever you are being with. Just, be happy. And, do pray for me to give up on you and find my own happiness too.


Terima Kasih Sudi Baca Cerita Saya ^^,