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13 Sep 2015

Determination versus Desperation

Hello there, it's been a long time since I've wrote in here. Been busy with my practical last few months. Ahamdulillah everything was settled perfectly I guess since most of us managed to get A for industrial training course. Thanks Dr.Napisah! Hehe

Now it's been more than 2 months since I finished my study in UPSI. Some of my friends are working and some had already pursue their degree. Me? Still at home, doing nothing. Hahaha I don't know why I'm so not ready to work. Been thinking of applying for some work but I kept procraste the application process and end up nothing was done. Haha.

Never mind. Well. Determination or desperation. We somehow need to differentiate between these two. When you are determine to do something, you will try your best. But when you are desperate, you seem so pathetic. That's what I am right now. I was so determine to not give up on you. It's been more than a year. Yes, more than a year and I'm still here, holding onto you. And then, by time I realize that I should stop, before my determination turns into desperation. Don't I deserve better? Don't I deserve someone who will love me as much as I will love him? Yes. I deserve that.

I'm really sorry. Sometimes, I regret the decision I made, to say 'hi' again, because I was so confident that I've moved on. Yes, I was so sure that my feelings had changed through time since you were not the one who kept popping out in my mind before I sleep. I didn't think about you anymore. So I was sure, yes I have moved on.

And then, I say 'hi' again. Yes we cleared everything, we agreed that there's no more issues between us. Trust me, it is. Because I could feel that my feeling had changed. And then, we spoke as friend.

I didn't realize that I was playing with fire. Forgive me, I didn't mean to feel again. But I did. And then I realize, it's still you. It's always you all this time. I decided to try again. And again. And then I could see that, you are not the same person anymore.

You are not the same person I used to fall for. It saddens me to look how you've changed. But nevermind, it shouldn't matter right?

I do want to tell you, I'm still here. Don't you see that I'm still here? But then I realize, you know that I'm here. You just don't care. So I laugh at myself. I'm making the same mistake again, am I? You will never notice my existence, that's for sure.

But I'm not blaming you. Because me myself didn't expect that I will feel the same again towards you. My fault. My wrong. I underestimed those feelings. They are stronger than I thought. I'm sorry that I ruined everything again. Forgive me for this feeling. Believe me, I want it to vanish as well. I don't want to feel this way. Me too want to give up, move on and find someone else.

I do want to see you happy. It still saddens me to see you upset. You might say I'm pretending to be nice or whatsoever to you. But, nevermind. I just want you to be happy. No matter what you do, or whoever you are being with. Just, be happy. And, do pray for me to give up on you and find my own happiness too.

Terima Kasih Sudi Baca Cerita Saya ^^,

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