Hi blog. I am here again, since I'm still awake so let's talk about something here. So, today I think had been great. Lately, I was tensed by the assignments, and also the internship problems. It was too stressful till I can't even sleep. Ceh, that was a lie. Even if I'm not stressed out by the assignments I couldn't still get good sleep at night, so no much difference. But today when we heard that anyone who's going to Domino's HQ in Shah Alam for the internship, we don't need to find the second place as the backup, since we are guaranteed to be taken as interns. Ya Allah, I feel like crying out of happiness when they said that. Alhamdulillah, Allah ease everything for us.
So at least, I feel like one burden's gone. What's left just looking for a house for rent in Shah Alam. Well gladly we had contacted some seniors who went there for their internship and gladly there's some houses that we might can consider, even the rent is quite okay and also it can be called as strategic place to stay. So, I'm excited to go for my internship, and finish my Diploma, and graduate!
But then, it's still a long way to go. There are many assignments left to be finished in these last few weeks before our final. And it stresses me too, because of the courses are not easy. They are all very complicated but I hope I can get through all these. Well, Allah puts you in this journey, He might well has prepared a way for you to get through. Believe in that! Never ever think that you can't do this and you can't do that. Allah believes that you can. He knows your ability. That's why He puts you in this journey. He tests you within your limit, so believe in yourself, and put your trust in Allah's plan for you.
Yes so, lets put aside that things. Don't feel like talking about that stressful things. So well, do you ever feel like, you want to give up on something because you definitely sure that it won't work for you, but in the same time you want to keep trying, keep hoping because if you give up, you won't know incredible things that might show up when you keep trying?
Well, it's a dilemma here. You are fighting with your inner self. You know when you really appreciate something and then you lose them. Turned out that the things that you want, is destined not to be with you. But deep inside, you want to believe that if you don't give up, if you don't give up on your hope, that there's maybe some miracle will appear out of nowhere and makes all the dreams come true?
Sometimes I feel like giving up on my hope. Because I watch the possibilities that it can be impossible to be true. Besides, if something is not meant for you, no matter how or what you do, at the end it would never be yours. So what's the function here? Hoping something that unsure to be yours? But if I give up, isn't that means I don't really want that thing? Or. I don't know. I keep having these sorts of questions in my mind. And it stresses me, because I don't know, whether I need to give up now, or I need to hold on to my hopes. And if I give up, it doesn't mean I stop caring, but it's because I know, that others don't care.
Isn't it painful? To watch someone who you thought was the one, to be happy with someone they love? Here comes the feeling part again, well yeah, I thought I'm not gonna write this things up again but now, I don't know. As I'm still awake right now because I keep having all these thoughts in my mind. So I decided to pour it out.
How come, we can love someone so much that we can't stop caring about them, even after they have torn us into pieces. You know how it feels, to be broken. Well of course, sometimes you hope that they will feel the same as they gave you. The pain. The exact same pain. The exact same damage that they've caused to you. You thought that you would be happy if they feel the same, after what they have done to you. Well, simply means they deserve that, right? What goes around comes around. You get what you served out to the world. Kifarah.
But the moment things become like that, when you see them in that situation, can you feel really happy about it> Because I can't, and I don't know why. How come I feel hurt watching someone (who have destroyed my dreams, broken my trust, broken my heart), when they are hurt? What's wrong with my self? I feel like scolding my own self like, come on! He hurt you, you should say something like: "serve your right! You deserve that!" But why I.. can't?
It feels so hurt, to just watching someone you love from away. Silently, you make effort to know about them. About their life. You still want to know, how they are doing. Is it fine. Is he happy now. Of course, it hurts me when seeing him being happy with someone else. But I don't get it, why should I feel more hurt seeing him being sad? That's not even should be my concern anymore. Like, hey, look at yourself Jasmin. After all things that happened to you, don't you realize how broken you were? Yet, you are still broken. You aren't fixed yet. You aren't healed yet. Why you should care about someone, who will never know, that you're exist. Someone who will never know, how much you are still hoping that someday, he will see. He will feel. That you are still there. Hoping for him to turn around and realize that you are still standing in the same place where he had ditched you out of his life,not moving an inch.
I know it sounds pitiful, and it does seem pathetic. Like, why would you torture yourself for someone who did not want you in his life? Because if he wants you to be apart of his life, he will make a space. He will fight to keep you. But he didn't, so why should you do that? People say, everyone deserves better. Everyone deserves chances to be happy. I think I deserve better too. But why? I don't know. When my mind keep telling mo to give up, move on, and forget everything. But my heart, it keeps telling me to never stop hoping. Never stop praying. Because deep down, the heart, it knows that he wasn't that bad. It feels the difference when he's around. It feels the difference when his voice heard laughing, and his face looks when he's smiling. Because the heart feels better. The heart feels what mind couldn't see.
But still, of course I realize how stupid I am to still waiting and hoping. Because it's not that I'm clueless of what he wants and what he loves. I'm aware that it's not me. And maybe it will never be me. It's someone else. He loves that someone, as strong as the way I love him. I know. When I look at them, being happy together, I feel a little pain inside, but somehow I can still feel glad because I at least know that he made the right choice. He chose the right one, and that's why he can be that happy. I wonder if he chose me over her, would that smile never appear again on his face? Or all the smiles and laughter, would be just fake? How terrified is that, to watch the one you love to be that sad.
Well, at least I can still watch that lively side of him again, even I can just silently do it. My friends are still pushing me to move on, because they said it is enough for me to suffer, I know. Thanks dear friends. But I don't know, when will all these feelings end? I don't even know how to describe it. The way it hurts me to see him with someone else, or the way it hurts me even more when I see him being sad and I can't even help to listen to his problems anymore because we are stranger now. I don't know which one is worse. Because this stubborn little heart, still doesn't want to give up. I said I have gotten over him, but was it just my ego? Because I don't want to seem that pathetic. But, no matter how much I lied to other people around me, at the end of my nights, I still can't lie to me.
I am confuse when sometimes I want him to feel what I feel. But in the same time, I don't want him to feel how terrible that pain is. I barely went through all that. I remember exactly each single moments I struggled on my own, to get over the pain, to get over the broken crashed feelings inside. I know how bad it was, and I don't want him to feel that. People will say I'm hypocrite. Trying to look good as an angel hah? Yeah, people will say that. But who cares? Because they don't feel what I feel towards him. They know nothing. Not even a single thing.
But of course, I do hope that I will get over this one day. If it is not meant for me, I want myself to get over this. I'm still struggling, but in the same time it becomes hard because of the hope I still insist to keep deep inside. I don't know which one should I give up on. Should I give up the struggle and keep hoping? Or should I give up on the hopes, and keep struggling to forget everything. This is my dilemma. Troublesome it is.
I'm thinking of, if that's the thing that will make him happy, so why would I be hoping otherwise right? It's good then, good for him, good for them, and InshaAllah one day I'll get something which is better for me. But maybe I'm afraid of, not feeling difference, the way I feel different towards him. I guess it hits me really hard this time. I've never care this much for someone I think. All this while I remember how selfish I used to be just for me to be happy, but with him, it seems like I've get rid out that selfishness of mine.
I hope I will be fine. I hope I can get over this thing, sooner or later. It has been almost a year. When February comes, it will be a year when everything first started. I remember every things. Every single things. How different it was, a year ago. And how different it is now. I can't seem to forget everything yet. But I try to act maturely. As mature as I can. But seeing myself typing this thing up again here, maybe I'm not that mature yet. Nevermind. Everyone is different.
I can only watch from here. Far away. Because I can't deny that I still care. I thought I don't give a damn. But I'm wrong, I still wanted to know his condition. I still want to see that smile on his face. I still want to know what he's doing in progress. Creepy or pitiful? Both maybe. Haha. Jasmin, lets get this over sooner or later, okay?
Whatever it is, I try my best to be positive. All I can do is keep praying that everything will be alright. For me, for him, and for them. For all of us. If that's the source of his happiness, where his heart belongs to, I should pray the best for him, am I right? Because they said
All I need to do now is just, keep praying for the best, right? And I hope I will keep moving, until I find the place where I belong to. Maybe I want him, because he's different. But maybe, Allah has plan something different for me too. Right? I need to be positive, and put my trust in Allah, right? Please say that I'm doing right, say that I'll be alright. YES, I'll be alright :)
It's been too long I guess. It feels free to write here since I know there's not much people reading this blog. I can write what I feel, what happen and what I want. It feels better now. May Allah ease everything for us. And may we not being a person full with grudge, greed, anger and jealousy for others. May we be given strength to forgive others as well as strength to apologize for mistakes that we have done. Laila saedah, fihifzillah, I leave you in the care of Allah, MHS.