A Phase In Life
I figured that I had to find something that I could do just to fill in my abundant free time. Well I'm not that free but being busy with work and being busy living are totally two different things.
I once thought that becoming an adult would mean finally able to live my life as I please, free from anybody's control, free to do whatever random spontaneous acts that cross my mind.
To live the fullest, with your own hard earned money.
But what is this miska? I don't really feel like I'm living but rather just existing. It's like a repetitive cycle that I can't really escape. Even when I want to, I am too tired to even move 😂
My life right now is really just revolving around my work. Even when I think I am not overperforming at work and I try to avoid unnecessary works, but who I am to avoid everything. In the end, work still comes for me.
Nevertheless, I am aware that it's what I voluntarily signed up for hence I will still do what I have to do.
But why am I so tired everyday? Is it really my age? Does this really how everyone feel about growing up? Your body can't even catch up with you anymore. Since when taking the stairs turn into an extreme workout that costs you your peaceful sleep at night? You can't even sleep because of your sore body, your feet hurt, your hands, numb. Don't get me started on the all the time throbbing headache.
I don't even know if I love my job. One minute I hate it I wish that schools will just vanish and disappear into thin air so I won't have to go to work. But I then spend another minute enjoying what I share with my students, our interaction, our bickerings, our lessons. I'm grateful for what I have right now since I worked hard for it (kinda), but sometimes it gets a little bit overwhelming for me so there are moments when I'm conflicted about it.
Putting work life aside, even your social life is different now. I have always been introverted and socially anxious. Talking to people drains me, so can you imagine being a teacher when you are this kind of person? Even with my colleagues, I am sorry for the moments I act so awkwardly in front of them. My reactions, my responses sometimes are too much because I'm trying to socialise. I just end up embarassing myself when that happens 🤨
And your friends, you are now in a different circle. Your close friends seem more like a distant acquaintance now. Talking to them is no longer.. how do I describe this? Effortless? Natural? Saying something to them feels harder. It's like I'm just here and they are there, sharing things doesn't feel mutual anymore. So you just watch them from afar, praying for them to be happy and healthy wherever they are.
Is this the cost of adulting?
