27 Disember 2015

Hello. Diary. Cewah. Haha. Kunun je update kat diary, padahal updatenya malas. Maklumlah busy bekerjaya hehe.

Well ni garagara balik keja penat sangat mengantuk tapi degil lagi taknak tidur. Saje. Melayan perasaan tak habishabis. Jiwa kacau betul jasmin. Haha.

Weh aku dok debor nunggu result nya. Entah dapat ke tak aku pergi interview. Jujur la aku langsung tak konfiden. Sebab aku rasa macam entah apa yang aku jawab masa iv tu. Macam hancus. Entahlah. Harap yang terbaik je.

Well, that day was kinda a bad day for me. But! Aku tak tahu la hari yang teruk plus happy rasanya kot. Unplanned. Tetiba kona gi ipoh. Pegi jumpa si naga itu. Haha. Dulu cengkerik sekarang aku panggil naga. Biarlah. Haha.

Well, it was unexpected. Tak pernah terpikir pun he would meet my parents. Maybe it was nothing. Tapi entahlah, it means something for me. Sorry for that. And thank you lah, sebab usaha nak jumpa my parents. Maybe it was for nothing. Sesaje jumpa but, I appreciated that.

I don't know what's actually happening between us. Kadang macam huhahuha baik kamcing. Kadang awkward. Haha entahlah. I don't know dah apa yang aku sebenarnya rasa sekarang. Aku tertanya jugak, sebenarnya aku ni masih sayang ataupun just sekadar terikat dengan kenangan yang aku teringat lagi. Aku pun tak tahu.

Tapi sebetulnya, rasa cemburu tu masih ada. And kadangkadang sentap sendiri. Aku pun tak tau kenapa. Tak sepatutnya aku rasa pape kan. I am stuck between holding on, try harder or just give up on everything. Sebab kadang macam terpikir, aku dok tunggu ni macam ada menghala ke mana mana ke. Or semua akan siasia at the end.

I know it takes time. Nak memaksa memang taklah. Kalau dia cari aku, haa ok lah. Kalau tak aku nak buat macamana. Tapi tipulah kalau tak terasa. Kadang rasa macam, I am just an option bila dia bosan takde benda lain dah nak buat. Just that. Maybe tak macam tu and it's just me who overthink but, can't help but thinking like that. Untuk aku pulak nak cari dia. Aku tahan diri aku jelah. I do care a lot. Even aku busy, penat. Aku macam masih nak cari masa untuk dia. Tapi, bila aku tengok yang most of time he never done that to me so aku macam, ok lah ignore jelah. Kalau dia cari aku ok la respond, kalau tak pasrah jelah.

Expectation really kills me homaiGod. Tak suka betul rasa mengharap. Menanti menunggu mimpi yang  pasti di hatimuu dihatimuu lagu apa ni tak ingat tajuk. Kadang macam nak cakap weii aku rindu kau tak nampak ke. Haha. But then, hah nevermind lah kau tak ingat aku, aku pun taknak ingat kau padan muka wek. Haha gila jasmin 

Satu lagi, aku selalu rasa macam kadang dia sebenarnya lebih kepada nak menjaga hati and simpati dekat aku. Ok ini tak suka rasa macam ni. Selalu rasa macam, dia ni cari aku terpaksa ke nak jaga hati aku ke. Ni yang buat aku overthink lagi ni. Pahtu sedih sensorang pahtu gila. Haha. Ish. Malas pikir. Malas. Malas. Malas.

Takpalah. Buat masa sekarang, aku tunggu jelah. Nak nyanyikan lagu you belong with me kang rasa terhegeh pulak over confident je kata you belong with me haha. All this time how could you not know, standing by and waiting at your back door. Ok dah.

Nak share satu lagu. Sebab best. And some lyrics make me want to sing my heart out

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Terima Kasih Sudi Baca Cerita Saya ^^,

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8 Disember 2015

Hello jawab salam dulu. Dah? Ok. Hai. Haha. Lamanyaaaa tak bukak blog ni. Tak tipu je, selalu bukak baca postpost yang ada. Yang lama tu bab update. Lama betul tak update.

Ok so how's life? Okay. Just okay. Haha. Oh yaa, I've officially graduated from UPSI. My convocation was on 25 November. And it was great! Finally I managed to get on the big stage. And to see those proud smiles on my parents' faces, that was priceless. Alhamdulillah. Wait let me 'payung' some pictures. Nak jugak kunun hipster payung bagai ceh nyampah. Haha. Jap jap nak upload

Yuhuu I dah graduate. Ok topi pinjam haha

Haa kemain excited. But the saddest part was didn't get chance to take photo of us five. Huaaa. Dua tahun bersama kot janji nak photoshoot konvo sesama dengan Bella Yana Mari Wani. Last last kelam kabut jumpa pun tak. Sempat dengan Yana Bella tapi gamba tu takde dalam phone dah padam :'( And dengan Wani pun ambik masa nak hanta jubah. Mariana langsung takde gamba sekali. Sedih pilu.

Tapi takpelah. We made it, right? Congratulations to all. Hehe. Lepas ni inshaAllah degree pulak. K nervous nak tengok dapat ke tak panggilan iv medsi uitm esok lusa ni. Huh. I applied for TESL and it's freaking scary. Haha.

Well malas nak cita bebanyak. Ni dah pukul 4 pagi. And I'm awake, still not asleep actually baru balik keje. And I am so happy as I'm using this burung hantu internet that's why I can update this blog meh. Haha.

Ok. Actually tetiba teringat yang last november masa pegi ambik jubah, aku pegi Ipoh dulu stay rumah Yana. And unexpectedly, I met him. Well, sudden plan. Tetiba hah jumpa. After a year, nearly two years. It was awkward so I didnt speak much, sorry. But then, haih. I don't know.

I didn't expect for us to meet again. When I was so sure yang aku dah move on dengan jaya dan penuh jitu, Tuhan jumpa kan aku semula dengan dia. Always like that. I thought I was okay already so I agreed to meet, believing that I moved on so no problem lah. Gitu punya konfiden. But then, it becomes complicated again huaaaa nak nangis. K tak tipu je tetiba nak nangis drama betul. Haha.

Tapi tu lah. Haih. Mengeluh. Mengeluh. I want to express feelings here, but then I don't know how to describe it. Betullah orang kata, pendam semua tu lagi senang dari nak explain apa sebenarnya dalam kepala hotak ni.

We got close again. To be frank, I was so afraid. Aku takut dengan diri aku sendiri. Because of that feelings of course. Aku dah kata yang aku tahu aku ni tengah main dengan api. Bahaya. Nanti yang luka yang sakitnya aku jugak. Aku sedar benda tu. Tapi, entahlah.

I don't know why it's so hard to give up on him. To let him go. To forget him. To feel nothing anymore. I started to have hope again. Nahh ini masalahnya yang aku takut ni. Because I start to have expectation. And you know how expectation could kill you.

Eventhough it's so unclear of where it's heading to but, I notice that I slowly started to try again. And again. Hard isn't it? Would you be worth it? I don't know. But why does it seems like I'm going to take that risk again, to try again?

Now I feel like crying. I am so afraid of burning myself, since I'm playing with fire. I wish I could tell you how I feel but then, it will burden you and maybe we won't talk to each other anymore.

I was happy again since that meeting. Thank you for that. We talk again. We laugh. We become friend. But you know it's hard for me, because of this unchange feelings. I just want to be there, even just as your friend. That's what I've been thinking of. Stupid? Yaaa I feel kinda stupid. Dah lama sedar bodoh tu haha.

Hmm. Entahlah. Things getting awkward again lately and it saddens me. Sorry. Sometimes I don't know how to react, how to talk to you in a way that can make you happy. Entahlah. Bila awkward rasa macam, sedih. Aku kalau boleh macam nak borak happy happy gelak itu ini, bertegur pun tak awkward boleh selamba semua. Kadang okay but kadang kadang it's too awkward and it kills me inside. I hate feeling awkward, I hate feeling like not happy talking to each other. Entah. Rasa macam orang asing yang baru kenal sehari. Tak suka perasaan tu sebab rasa macam haihhhh entah benci la nak describe ni. Hmm

K malas dah. Baik tidur. K.k. 

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Terima Kasih Sudi Baca Cerita Saya ^^,

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