Hello jawab salam dulu. Dah? Ok. Hai. Haha. Lamanyaaaa tak bukak blog ni. Tak tipu je, selalu bukak baca postpost yang ada. Yang lama tu bab update. Lama betul tak update.
Ok so how's life? Okay. Just okay. Haha. Oh yaa, I've officially graduated from UPSI. My convocation was on 25 November. And it was great! Finally I managed to get on the big stage. And to see those proud smiles on my parents' faces, that was priceless. Alhamdulillah. Wait let me 'payung' some pictures. Nak jugak kunun hipster payung bagai ceh nyampah. Haha. Jap jap nak upload
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| Yuhuu I dah graduate. Ok topi pinjam haha |
Haa kemain excited. But the saddest part was didn't get chance to take photo of us five. Huaaa. Dua tahun bersama kot janji nak photoshoot konvo sesama dengan Bella Yana Mari Wani. Last last kelam kabut jumpa pun tak. Sempat dengan Yana Bella tapi gamba tu takde dalam phone dah padam :'( And dengan Wani pun ambik masa nak hanta jubah. Mariana langsung takde gamba sekali. Sedih pilu.
Tapi takpelah. We made it, right? Congratulations to all. Hehe. Lepas ni inshaAllah degree pulak. K nervous nak tengok dapat ke tak panggilan iv medsi uitm esok lusa ni. Huh. I applied for TESL and it's freaking scary. Haha.
Well malas nak cita bebanyak. Ni dah pukul 4 pagi. And I'm awake, still not asleep actually baru balik keje. And I am so happy as I'm using this burung hantu internet that's why I can update this blog meh. Haha.
Ok. Actually tetiba teringat yang last november masa pegi ambik jubah, aku pegi Ipoh dulu stay rumah Yana. And unexpectedly, I met him. Well, sudden plan. Tetiba hah jumpa. After a year, nearly two years. It was awkward so I didnt speak much, sorry. But then, haih. I don't know.
I didn't expect for us to meet again. When I was so sure yang aku dah move on dengan jaya dan penuh jitu, Tuhan jumpa kan aku semula dengan dia. Always like that. I thought I was okay already so I agreed to meet, believing that I moved on so no problem lah. Gitu punya konfiden. But then, it becomes complicated again huaaaa nak nangis. K tak tipu je tetiba nak nangis drama betul. Haha.
Tapi tu lah. Haih. Mengeluh. Mengeluh. I want to express feelings here, but then I don't know how to describe it. Betullah orang kata, pendam semua tu lagi senang dari nak explain apa sebenarnya dalam kepala hotak ni.
We got close again. To be frank, I was so afraid. Aku takut dengan diri aku sendiri. Because of that feelings of course. Aku dah kata yang aku tahu aku ni tengah main dengan api. Bahaya. Nanti yang luka yang sakitnya aku jugak. Aku sedar benda tu. Tapi, entahlah.
I don't know why it's so hard to give up on him. To let him go. To forget him. To feel nothing anymore. I started to have hope again. Nahh ini masalahnya yang aku takut ni. Because I start to have expectation. And you know how expectation could kill you.
Eventhough it's so unclear of where it's heading to but, I notice that I slowly started to try again. And again. Hard isn't it? Would you be worth it? I don't know. But why does it seems like I'm going to take that risk again, to try again?
Now I feel like crying. I am so afraid of burning myself, since I'm playing with fire. I wish I could tell you how I feel but then, it will burden you and maybe we won't talk to each other anymore.
I was happy again since that meeting. Thank you for that. We talk again. We laugh. We become friend. But you know it's hard for me, because of this unchange feelings. I just want to be there, even just as your friend. That's what I've been thinking of. Stupid? Yaaa I feel kinda stupid. Dah lama sedar bodoh tu haha.
Hmm. Entahlah. Things getting awkward again lately and it saddens me. Sorry. Sometimes I don't know how to react, how to talk to you in a way that can make you happy. Entahlah. Bila awkward rasa macam, sedih. Aku kalau boleh macam nak borak happy happy gelak itu ini, bertegur pun tak awkward boleh selamba semua. Kadang okay but kadang kadang it's too awkward and it kills me inside. I hate feeling awkward, I hate feeling like not happy talking to each other. Entah. Rasa macam orang asing yang baru kenal sehari. Tak suka perasaan tu sebab rasa macam haihhhh entah benci la nak describe ni. Hmm
K malas dah. Baik tidur. K.k.
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