Hey. How you doing? Good. Haha. K intro bosan namati. Hi there. *krikk krikk krikk
Ok just here to share one good news. Guess what, I pass the interview. Yuhuu.. so I'm becoming one of the UITM-ian (is that how people normally spell it)?
Yes. It is for Bachelor of education in TESL. Alhamdulillah, I was not so confident that I would pass but somehow I did, Alhamdulillah, berkat doa mak ayah dan kawan kawan.
So yeah daftar 29 Februari. Meaning in three weeks? Alaaaa cepatnya. Haha. Benda paling malas nak buat is medical checkup and packaging stuffs. Haih.
But nevermind, it's still a good news anyway hehe. Kawan² aku pun ada jugak yang dapat ada yang tak, lain lain kos. Lain tempat. Rezeki masing masing.
And actually I end up writing this up here just because, I don't know. I'm happy yes I truly am but in the same time macam. Hmm.
You know, my parents encouraged me a lot, a lot for this. And I was so determined to try and give my best because of them even at very first I thought it would be quite impossible for me, thank you mak ayah sebab support.
And. Like a few months ago, someone, I mean, he was there. I remember when he said, awak boleh buat, awak kena jugak buat betul², bagi dapat jugak dekat shah alam so that nanti boleh lah jenguk jenguk kat sana.
You know what, I did my very best because of that too. Like, if it's gonna be a chance for us to get closer like we used to be, yes I will try. I was so encouraged and determined sebab pikir, ok aku usahakan biar dapat dekat shah alam. Remembering you keep saying, bagi jugak dapat. And on that day for interview, when you wished me goodluck, I felt like I was gonna make it as best as I could, because besides my parents, you were there to encourage me. You were there.
And today, as I knew that I passed, I got a place in shah alam. We are like this. Do we make better strangers? Aku nak sangat sangat share benda ni like, ' hey ingat tak kita dok sembang how I should do my best and get a place in uitm shah alam and so on, I made it.'
Seriously it hurts so much to pretend that it doesn't hurt me. I know I am healing but then when this thing came out, tetiba aku teringat semua yang kita dok sembang sebelum ni. I really wanna share this good news with you but then, kau dekat mana sekarang, aku dekat mana. Bila aku tengok balik dekat mana aku berdiri sekarang ni aku macam, dah lah, lupa ka hang sapa jasmin, kenapa pulak dia nak share this news kan.
Aku jauhkan diri aku dari kau sebab nak tengok di mana aku berdiri dalam hidup kau. Tapi, at the end hakikat tu menyakitkan aku sendiri.
Banyak kali aku ingatkan diri aku sendiri yang everyone deserves to make their own choice, including you. I know that things just can't be forced as I wanted it to be. Aku tahu. Tapi kadang aku terpikir, kenapa perlu semua ni jadi macam ni. Renggang, rapat, renggang, rapat, renggang, baik, stranger.
The saddest part of this all is that it was me who keep hurting. Your existence and your absence affect me so much and that's what troubles me the most. It was always you who I wanted to share all the good things with, anything, that one person who I would choose over anybody else (except my parents and friends lah)
Even aku pujuk diri aku yang semua orang ada hak masing masing nak pilih siapa atau apa pun yang buat dorang happy, but then it still hurts when I am never gonna be that one person that you will choose over anybody, even if I try my best. There will always be somebody else you will choose over me. I convince myself a lot that it's fine, it's okay I can't force people to like me even though I like them so much but I can't force people to like me just because I like them. But it hurts still. It hurts and I hate it because I know it only hurt when it matters and obviously, it matters to me.
Did I make it that easy like, to walk in and out of my life?