13 SEPT 2018

Jawab salam dulu. Ok. 
Haha. Hi hello there (if and only if there's someone somewhere that happen to read this lame blog). Ya aku tau, berkarat dah blog ni setahun tak bukak 😂 excuse my so called busyness ni. Maklumlah dah jadi third year student. Ehhh. 
Memang lama gila rasa aku tak jenguk langsung blog ni. Seb baik remember password kat sini kalau tak wasalam la selamat jalan romeo 😂 so boleh la lagi bukak. So di saat ini setahun sudah berlalu september sudah ini. Life has been so so. Aku dah part 6 oi, sem depan praktikal. Pastu tinggal satu sem lagi and pastu habisssssss. Tak tau la nak seronok ka takut ka sedih.
So apapun let's hope that I find the strength and motivation to get through these few last semesters. Buat ja lah. Walaupun most of the time aku rasa benak and tak tau apa yang aku buat. Haha.
It's been a long time kan. Tetiba rasa nak bercerita kat sini.
Question: "what will you do if the one you like gets married to someone else?"
That's a complicated situation and heart breaking I would say. And unfortunately, it happened to me 😂 but no worries I am totally fine now. I was just shocked, heart broken for a moment but the fact that he's married somehow helps me to move on in peace. Why? Sebab dah terang terang terbukti that he's just not for me. So no more hoping, no more waiting around sebab bukti dah ada depan mata. Senang kan? 
So aku kan before ni patah hati teruks kan. And after about 2 years plus tu baru la aku macam ok and start rapat dengan dia ni ha. Kenal dah lama tapi macam baru betul betul rapat. Tapi macam hanging, on off. Mesra dingin mesra dingin. Haha. And I did confess yang aku rasa aku suka dia. Cewahhh applause applause glabbb glabbb bak kata sajat. Ingat senang manusia ego macam aku nak confess? But then of course he was shocked and he politely rejected (?). It felt like a rejection lah even though we were still in contact bagai kan. So at that time aku macam ok lah maybe he was just taking his time. And I legit thought that we felt the same. It was just maybe he wanted to take it slowly. But we were good, tho rarely in contact but yes he was still there. 
But things started to feel distant. Macam makin jauh makin jauh. Being an egoistic person, and as I bowed not to repeat the same mistake, I didn't bother to really find him. Sebab aku anggap lah dia busy. And things slowly faded away. Of course lah aku tak boleh nak cakap banyak sebab we got nothing to do with each other. Kawan. Tu ja. So aku pun senyap. Senyap. 
Until lah my birthday. I waited. I excitedly waited, waiting for his wishes as he would always wish for my birthday. But I saw his whatsapp status. And the day before my birthday, I saw his FB status - in a relationship with .......
Sumpah my heart sank at that time. Rasa macam, wow. Apa ni? Surprise for my birthday? Wow. Wow. 
So masa tu macam terjawablah semua benda yang bermain dalam otak aku masa tu. But then again, who am I kan. So memang terus stop contact and I blocked his FB, deleted his number.
But then, you know moving on isn't an easy thing to do. So aku pun pi la save balik number dia sebab nak tengok wasap status la. And he posted a picture of them. Masa tu rasa la macam ziapppppp dalam hati. And macam, ok lah dah terbukti he's now happy with someone sebab sampai post story kan sebab dia bukan jenis yang update story or status macam tu. Ok. Tergerak hati nak tengok FB. 
Lagi. Terkejut lagi. Gambar dia atas pelamin. And he looked happy, standing beside her. His wife. Masa tu macam terkedu gila. And I didn't even cry sebab macam remuk hati sampai tahap tak tau nak rasa apa 😂 pelamin anganku musnah tau haha.
So terus block balik. And macam tersedar dari mimpi. He's now someone else's husband. He's happily married. Dalam otak aku masa tu, dah lah. Let's just move on. Of course sedih sedih pun, but tbh looking at their smile tu buat aku rasa yang, it's fine. Because they looked happy. So aku nak tunggu apa lagi kan.
But alhamdulillah lah, sebabkan kami pun jarang contact sangat and the fact that dia tu memang takdirnya dah kawin dengan orang lain, buat aku rasa senang nak move on. Sebab automatic aku jadi stop berharap, stop tunggu dia lagi dah. Cumanya kadang kadang tu bila pikir balik aku terkilan. Sebab we were friend. Aku just harap at least he told me about it. At least takde la aku confess kat dia. At least aku tak tunggu dia.
Sebab macam tiba tiba. And honestly I thought he was just like me, going with the flow and waiting for the right time. Even though jarang contact but from time to time dia akan contact jugak aku. Dalam berapa bulan before aku tau dia dah ada someone and then kawin tu ja tiba tiba macam dah tak contact. So I was wondering, what went wrong? When did it go wrong? Aku dah cukup hati hati aku tak sebut apa apa pasal aku rindu dia aku sayang dia ka sebab aku takmau langsung rush or buat dia rasa serabut. I acted like I didn't care. So bila jadi macam tu aku terpikir, selama ni masa dia contact aku, call aku, whatsapp, selama ni dia dah dengan orang lain ka? Kalau ya, why tak terus terang? Yes he did reject me earlier kan, but why he continued to treat me macam nothing happen and like we had a thing. Itu yang buat aku terkilan. Sebab if he had told me about it, bukannya aku tak boleh terima. If he had told me, takdelah aku macam continue contact dia jugak and mesra cenggitu. Do you get what I mean?
Sebab honestly, bila aku dapat tau suddenly dia dah kawin tu, I felt betrayed. Bukan just sebab yelah sedih jugak sebab selama ni aku tunggu dia kan, tapi more to sebab we were friend. Before anything else before feelings were involved, we were friend. Close friend. I talked to him about most things, membebel komplen itu ini. It was him who listened to my words. So bila aku dapat tau tu and he didn't even say a word about it, aku rasa macam, wow. I guess I'm not even entitled as his friend. Put aside being hurt because of my personal feelings for him. As a friend. Hang tak pernah anggap aku kawan hang walaupun sikit ka? 5 years of friendship. 5 years kita kenal tapi end up macam tu ja. Not even a word. 
But sometimes aku pun ada terpikir jugak but of course pikiran ni buat aku nampak macam aku ni perasan la sikit kan. Kadang aku terpikir based on how he treated me. Yes walaupun dia awkward dia hambar tapi he showed that he cared for me. Aku pernah cakap yang aku tau aku salah paham sebab cara dia layan aku tu baik kan, so maybe aku salah faham kat situ. But then he said no aku tak salah faham. And our relationship macam on off on off hanging. Because I didn't know where I stood in his life. The way he treated me made me confused. And most of the time dia yang akan cari aku dulu sebab aku tahan diri aku dari cari dia. So walaupun nampak macam perasan, kadang kadang aku salahkan diri aku and aku pikir, ke sebab selama ni aku ego sangat? Aku sayang tapi aku tak tunjuk, aku rindu dia tapi aku buat tak peduli. Kadang kadang bila dia contact aku, aku nak cover aku punya rindu tu aku termarah la tersentap dengan dia la. So with that thought, I blamed myself. I thought, maybe, maybe I was at fault so he gave up. Maybe, if I acted my words, we could have been closer and things could work out better.
But then bila pikir lagi, he got married. Ok. He got married. And rarely lah kawin dengan orang yang baru kenal sebulan dua kan. So probably, I was getting in their way. Maybe selama ni he had her but I just didn't know. So aku terkilan lagi. I wish he would be more honest. Kalau dah ada dia, why tak state the truth? Tell me the truth and I'll handle it on my own. Ini tiba tiba tengok dia dah kawin tu I was like. Eh. How? Why? When? Dari mana datang dia ni? Why aku tak tau? Why? Why? It did hurt. But I had no more tears to waste lah. Malas dah nak pikir. Tapi one good thing about him getting married ni, it gives me a definite closure tau. Like, okay jasmin dah terbukti terang lagi bersuluh dia bukan jodoh hang. So hang boleh bukak langkah jalan ke depan nanti ada yang lain dok tunggu. So it helps a lot for me to move forward. Sedih tak lama, alhamdulillah for that. 
Kadang pikir nak gelak pun ada. Haha. Apa lah nasib aku ni. Dulu ada orang suka gila, aku reject suruh dia kawin and dia pun dah kawin dah. And orang yang aku dok tunggu pulak pun dah kawin. Hambik hang terkontang kanting 😂
Takpalah. Muda lagi. InshaAllah ada banyak lagi masa. Banyak benda lagi boleh buat. Kalau ada rezeki tu ada la kalau takdak sudah dok pikiaq buat apa nanti mai la tu 😂
Ok la. Letih taip kat phone kecik coet ja. Bye see you soon.

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Terima Kasih Sudi Baca Cerita Saya ^^,

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