13 JANUARY 2016

It shouldn't hurt much isn't it? Since it's not my first time going through this. It's the emptiness that makes everything feels worse. Tak ada apa sangat pun sebenarnya. Cuba, cuba untuk tak fikir sangat.
Nothing happen pun, it was all fine. But, I am burning here. Because I feel everything when he feels nothing. Sebab tu, yang struggle hadap semua ni aku je. You said you won't be the fire. You didn't know. Now, you become the fire. I get burnt, as I have already said before. Dalam diam, perlahan lahan you become that fire, without you noticing.
Setengah benda, kita tak boleh paksa nak ia jadi macam apa yang kita nak. I tried. I tried my best. But maybe my best is still not enough. Aku ingat aku boleh kuat bertahan, tapi aku tak boleh nak tipu diri sendiri. I was hurt. When I was treated just as an option when you are only bored, I was hurt by that action. My presence or my absence, give no difference. That hurts too. Aku pujuk diri sendiri, kuat, tahan. Kalau betul aku hendakkan dia jadi sebahagian dari hidup aku, aku perlu beri dia masa, sabar tunggu dia. Tapi, aku tak sedar yang dalam usaha aku untuk semua tu, aku dah calarkan hati sendiri, abaikan perasaan sendiri.
Mungkin jugak aku yang overthink pasal semua ni. Padahal takde mende pun. Tapi. Entahlah. Dah mula tawar hati kot. Maybe that's better. Well, selama ni asyik nasihat orang, know your value, don't have to struggle for ones who do not appreciate what you'd done for them. If he didn't do anything to keep you, why do you even bother to fight for a spot in his life kan? If he wants you to be a part of his life, he'll make a spot for you. See, nasihat orang pandai sangat, diri sendiri?
Sampai bila? Bella kata kat aku, betullah. Kalau orang nak kita, kita mintak apa pun dapat. Tapi kalau kita nakkan orang, orang tu kasi tahi pun kita terima. I understand that now.
I am not an option. And definitely not a backup plan. Kita tak sama. Untuk kau, kau tak perlu nak usaha gigih sangat pun untuk dapatkan tempat dalam hidup aku. Sebab tempat tu sentiasa ada, kosong, aku kosongkan sebab nak bagi kat kau. Tapi aku? Kena usaha betul nak cari ruang, sekecil zarah ruang dalam hidup kau. Bila kau perlu kau datang,bila tak perlu diam menyepi. Aku bukan batu. Bukan.
Aku usaha sehabis mungkin untuk pendam. Tapi sakit sangat. Aku nak luah, takut kau baca, takut kau rimas, takut kau kata aku terlalu berharap, terlalu memaksa. Tapi, tak luah, sakit sendiri. 
Entahlah. Penat. Malas. How I wish I could stop all this, and feel nothing anymore. Aku jarakkan diri, untuk mencari kepastian. Orang kata, jarakkan diri dengan seseorang, dari situ kau dapat lihat dimana sebenarnya kau berdiri. If they care enough, they'll notice. If they don't, you should know your place. They said time will fade evrything, so, dear time, can you please do a good job now?

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Terima Kasih Sudi Baca Cerita Saya ^^,

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