So today our first paper. Academic Writing. Alhamdulillah rasanya ramai yang boleh tarik nafas sambil tersenyum lepas keluar dewan tadi. Section A was really okay than I assumed. Ingatkan part tu yang paling payah because of all the definitions and facts but Alhamdulillah it was okay. The APA Style was quite confusing as always but it was okay as well. Tapi gelabah jugak masa last minute check jawapan baru perasan tulisan aku italic or non italic macam takde beza je. Haha so terpaksalah menarik dengan penuh kreatif kekonon italic. Moga Sir Lothfi faham keitalican tulisan aku tu. And the last section OMG MashaAllah sangat menyetresskan. Paraphrasing for sure is not that easy if your vocabularies is in low state. Tapi boleh lah nasib sebab he gave the same structure that we did in class so okay not bad. Overall Alhamdulillah aku rasa ramai yang boleh jawab.
So esok next paper. Translation II and everyone is like ape je kita nak study untuk Translation. Memang ye nak study kamus oxford tu kan. So jawabnya study balik proverbs yang diguna untuk exam last semester. Memang macam takdak clue apa benda yang nak kena translate esok so, just wait and see. So. Yeah sambil sambil study dengar satu dua lagi yang menambat jiwa. Cewah
Lagu lama lama bila dengar balik best kan? Faizal Tahir. He got a really great voice and all his songs are really nice to listen. Enjoy ^^ Back to study. Wish me luck !
Maka dikesempatan ini dengan ini saya ini ingin memohon maaf dan memohon doa doa sempena bakal berlangsungnya Final Exam bagi pelajar pelajar Diploma Universiti Pendidikan Sultan Idris. Asal final je mintak maaf. Asal mintak maaf je raya. Selamat Hari Raya Aidiladha. Weh lambat lagi nanti kira lain. So dah nak final dah. Esok lusa tulat. Isnin start exam. Three papers fo semester 4 Dip in English students! Semoga dipermudahkan semuanya bagi kami. Dan mohon maaf lah kan, biasa la nak final ni typical mohon maaf sebab taknak nanti ada apa apa salah yang menyulitkan proses penjawaban dan permarkahan ke kan. Walaupun sepatutnya setiap masa kau perlu aware and apologize kalau kau ada buat salah tapi takpelah.
So goodluck ! Three killer papers. Academic Writing, Translation II and lastly Reading for Aesthetic Purposes. Nak komen banyak banyak pon letih je. So all the best je lah. Haa saje cari modal mengupdate. Maklumlah dah rajin sekarang sebab senang update through phone. So ok bye. Semoga Allah menjaga orang orang tersayang
The most hateful time for me is whenever I'm about to try to get some sleep at night. It is so hard for me. Even I'm really tired but whenever I try to sleep, my mind starts to create some scenes. It starts to remind me of all pasts. Past that hurt the most. Maybe it's because of the time. At night, I'm not being surrounded by anyone, family or friends. Even I'm sleeping with somebody but still, I'm fighting my own thoughts alone. It's the time when the empty feeling feels so strong. And it's the time when all the memories start to roll again and again. It pains me a lot, and I'm too tired of remembering all those sweet moments that now literally is hurting me inside. At this late night, tears become too cheap as it rolls down, unstoppable. Till when. Till when that I can stop lying to myself that I'm okay and I'm just fine. Till when do I need to comfort myself that one day when everything will be alright, will actually come. Till when that the day when I'm finally over all those memories that I keep longing even I know they were all fake and it will never come true. Till when I need to lie that I don't care about everything anymore when deep inside I know, it's the same damn thing that keeps going through on my mind firstly when I open my eyes in the morning and lastly after all the struggle I have before I can get some sleep. I'm really, really are tired of my own mind, my own thoughts. I assumed that everything would be easy for me but, did I assumed wrongly this time?
Is it okay for me to once in a while say that, I'm actually not okay with all these things and I really hate hurting myself by remembering all those memories that seem like they can't fade away from this little heart of mine. People said that it is insomnia. No it isn't. Because sometimes I can get to sleep easily. Rarely. But maybe it's true. Because most of the time, I can't really easily go to sleep without struggling with my own thoughts. I keep struggle with my own thought every single nights. And it is so hard. It is painful. They said that time will fade everything away but why, time doesn't seem like functioning at all to me?
Why those memories, those moments, feel so strong that I can't stop longing for them to come again and light up my whole world, again and again. But at the same time, why those hurt I felt before, pains me so much as it's bleeding freshly again and again. I hate those moments that caused the pain but I am longing the ones that caused the smiles on my face. Both happen on the same time and it confuses me. I am confuse with my own self, my own feeling and my own heart. I said that I am strong. Big girl don't cry over little thingy but what happen to my own words now. I said my tears are way too expensive to be wasted on useless things that I know wasn't mine even at the very beginning of the story but why after the story ended, the tears become this cheap as it has no value at all?
I am tired. I am really tired. I just wanna get some sleep, without struggling this hard. Don't I even have a right to get some peace? I just wanna have a rest. I just wanna rest myself from all those memories, truths and also the worrying of the future, just for a short time. Why sleeping also be one of the hardest time that I need to go through in my life when sleeping is one of the way for me to forget everything in this cruel reality of world.
Someone said that I think too much. He asked me to stop thinking, silent your phone and try to get some sleep, rest yourself. Yes, that's what I'm trying to do but it seems quite hard for me to stop thinking at night. Even I put my phone in silent but, my own mind vibrates louder than the phone's notification sounds. It is the time when I'm alone by myself and it's the time that I will started to remember all the things that I've gone through, all the decisions that I've made, all the words that now I realize that I should and shouldn't said. All the actions that I should and shouldn't did. And also the future that if and only if will be affected as the consequences of the decisions I used to take. Everything. And I keep thinking, is there's any possibility that everything won't turn out this way if there was one thing I did in the past, I actually didn't do it.
Too many things to think and there's few things to be regretted as well and it makes sleeping becomes harder at night. And I do not get enough rest, enough courage to wake up on the next morning to face another reality but that's how life is. I'm longing for the past but right now, I'm convincing myself that, it wasn't meant for me and if it's written that way, it must be something good, better and best for me in it. Even it hurts. Even the pain is unbearable. I'm hardly struggling to bear all these, fighting with my own memories. And sometimes instead of insomnia, amnesia would be better for me to stop thinking of it all but, stop rumbling and just go to sleep Jasmin!
If you can wish for something to become true, what will you wish for?
I was really excited to post this short movie ! Allah, Alhamdulillah, the project is done. It was really tough. Really ! To work in a group of four, to come out with the idea, to create the story-line, to create the dialogues, to be the director, co director, scriptwriter, the actor and also the editor. Seriously at first it seemed impossible to make this story becomes true. It was an amazing idea by four of us and creating two same characters with one face is really really hard since we are lack in experiences in editing all these sorts of things but we managed to do it. Yeah, for sure it is not that good but I'm satisfied enough, since we are just students of Diploma in English and we have no idea of using those software and bla bla bla so this is good enough for me. We have gone so many things in finishing this movie and I'm just so touched. Feel like crying. Haha. So just sharing this in here so feel free to watch and you can drop comments as well ! ^^, Enjoy watching our so-called pro acting, hahaha.
When you're wishing for someone else life,
remember that there's someone out there is wishing for a life like yours
Well. 5 a.m. in the morning. Awake. Awake ke. Sangat Jasmin sangat. Padahal tak tido lagi. Makin teruk dah penyakit aku satu ni. Padahal esok kelas pukul 8 pagi tak sedar diri lagi. Haha. Takpe esok pergi tido dalam kelas ye. Tak pasal telan buku APA style tu kena baling ngan sir Lothfi. Tapi ok la telan buku mesti terus bijak bestari takyah nak payah payah hafal segala bagai untuk final ye dak. Yes bijak Jasmin bijak sangat
So sebab tak boleh tido kan aku pon saje la godek godek post lama lama dalam blog ni. Sedar tak sedar dah dekat 4 tahun dah pon wujudnya blog ni. Kahkah. Lama jugak aku ni kan jadi blogger kononnya. Tapi blogger jenis tak berjenis la, asyik nak meraban sana sini macam tak bermanfaat pon ada jugak blog aku ni. Well dah dari awal lagi niatnya nak buat blog ni tempat aku bercerita pongpangpongpang sebab aku ni bukan reti sangat nak share mende mende yang aku tak fully understand so kalau nak cari blog yang berfaedah sila faham di sini bukan tempatnya T.T
So kan bila baca balik post lama lama tetiba terasa diri seolah olah macam. Hmm. Pasepa aku ni dulu dulu. Time aku nak post semua tu agaknya kena rasuk jin kayak ka cena. Tambah bila tengok post post time broken heart sangat. Well of course lah memang blog ni tempat aku dok meluah perasaan kononnya tapi yang tak menahan bila baca ayat ayat tu aku macam. Peh. Sasterawan gila. Memang bila tengah hati berbunga bunga atau tengah broken heart aku akan automatik transfom A.Jasmin Jifri ke cena. Macam geli pon ada and terasa nak menampar diri sendiri. Tapi tu lah bestnya bila aku baca balik, mesti rasa nak tergelak dekat diri sendiri. Sedih tu memang lah sedih kan tapi aku tak paham perlu ke sampai aku keluarkan ayat ayat puitis tahap bunga bunga melingkar di tepi tasik nan indah macam tu. Hahahahaha.
Tu baru tengok part part pasal cinta. Kalau godek godek sampai ke zaman awal penubuhan lagi lah. Dengan tulisan kecik besar kecik besar. Allah macam nak terus hidup bawah katil ja rasa. Malu dengan diri sendiri. Awat hang pasepa waktu tu apa la yang ada dalam pala otak hang sampai tulih kecik besa kecik besa. Sat kala hitam sat kala pink pastu hijau dah macam dengan buku aneka kanak kanak riang.
Seriously kalau hangpa bosan, try lah godek post lama lama yang ada dalam blog. Well maybe it will be quite shameful and kadang hang akan rasa macam huh apa aku ni tak matangnya perlu ke benda macam ni pon aku nak meroyan dekat blog but trust me one day benda benda tu jugak akan buat hang gelak sendiri bila baca balik and gelakkan diri sendiri yang telah berjaya mengpost sesuatu yang over kreatif dan inovatif tu.
Sebab tu aku rasa sayang gila dengan blog ni. Dah 4 tahun macam macam cerita aku meraban dekat sini. Time aku happy time aku sedih time aku tengah berbunga bunga cinta time aku patah hati serapuh suci dalam debu. Kadang kadang ada jugak terfikir nak padam post post yang macam menceritakan pasal beda yang sepatutnya aku tulis dalam private diary, especially part part broken heart tertonggeng tunggang terbalik tu tapi bila aku pikir balik, aku create blog ni as my diary, tempat untuk aku cerita kisah kehidupan aku, well of course takdela cerita semua benda sampai detail tahap guna mikroskop tapi sekurangnya ni jadi tempat aku nak rakamkan benda benda yang pernah aku lalui. Lgipon blog ni is mine and to be frank I don't even expect any people to read sebab aku tau aku memang jenis suka meluahkan perasaan dalam bentuk penulisan compared to bercerita dengan orang and some people tak boleh nak terima cara yang macam aku kan. So it's just I have my own right and I'm free to voice out anything within my limit. I don't expect to tell everything for people to read and to judge me so kalau ikutkan aku pon taknak orang baca tapi dah nama pon blog yang tak diprivate so memang yelah orang akan baca kan. And tak rasa nak privatekan lagi sebab blog ni pon memang dari zaman sekolah and most of my friends know this blog and this is one of the way for them to know my life updates. Sort of.
So rasanya it is quite good to tell things in blog as long as you know your limit. Tak perlu lah hang nak cerita detail sampai terperinci gila sampai nak screenshot slip slip gaji ke IC ke resit beli air mineral pon hang nak bubuh tak payah la sampai tara tu. And most importantly kalau ada benda yang melibatkan orang lain tak perlulah rasanya hang nak cerita semua sampai latitude longitude si fulan bin si fulan pon hang nak letak kan. Be rasional. Tapi seriously kadang kadang ada benda yang hang tak boleh jugak nak control time menaip. Tambah tambah bila ikut perasaan. Menaip penuh syahdu bagai takpon tengah marah kan so kadang kadang hang akan tertulis mengikut emosi jugak. Sebab tu la aku gelak bila baca post post aku time broken heart kan, memang boleh apply untuk ganti A.Samad Said dah aku rasa. Emosi semua tu.
So ok pagi pagi buta aku dok meraban sorang sorang sebab tak boleh tido. Nak beransur beradu. Kbye.
Yeyeah. Balik dan balik. Cerita dia tengah eksaited nak balik minggu ni. Sedar tak sedar dah minggu kepatbelas dah pon study. And next week dah start study week so that's why klut bebenor nak baliknya. Walaupun si Bella puas memujuk merayudomba supaya aku tak balik. Nak study katanya tapi wahai Bella sedarkah anda dengan hakikat pasal kawan baik engko yang seorang ni. Nama je study week tapi engko tahu aku punya takkan nak study awal awal. So daripada aku stay kat sini menghadap internet selama seminggu malam esok nak exam baru aku nak gegeh buka buku so lebih baik aku balik duduk rumah sapu sampah gelak gelak dengan kucing dan jiran depan belakang rumah.
So konklusi tetap nak balik walaupun lepas tu datang semula and sit for three papers and balik untuk cuti sem ! Yes. Sebulan. Tak sabar betul aku nak keluar dari sini sekejap. Nak duduk rumah makan makan gelak gelak golek golek dengan kucing dan kembali semula dalam bentuk bola padang pasir. Balik tak risau sebab mak ayah mai ambik. Tapi nak balik minggu ni kena balik sendiri.
Dah la plan ngan Wanie asalnya nak naik bas sesama. Then tetiba Wanie kata dia balik dengan kak dia. Ajak aku ikut sekali sebab nanti aku takdak kawan tapi memang taklah. Sebab tak selesa kot nak ikut orang. Orang ikut aku takpe dialu alukan tapisi Jasmin nak ikut orang memang macam tunggu dinasour bertelur pelangi petang la. So memang serabut sebab aku dok bayang dah ayat ayah aku : dah kalau takdak kawan tak payah nak balik duduk situ diam diam. Ok fine
So nasib baik cakap kat mak and mak kata ikut lah Yana. Yang pentingnya nak sampai ke Ipoh tu sebab nak kena tukar bas apa semua. Dari Ipoh ke Alor Setar takpa mak tunggu. So suruh Yana tolong teman sementara nak naik bas ke Alor Setar. So tengok nasib lah tiket tu sebab nak try and error kalau dapat bas lambat cerita dia merendek la dekat Mydin depan tu kan.
Ok actually boring sangat tunggu konon discussion kan dengan si Jayson and Wafa. Punya buat panic last last nak suruh tolong cek report je and print. Rasa macam sekali dengan dia aku nak print. Gaya macam penting sangat.
Ok bye. Cuti 5 hari minggu ni so bosan k bosan. Assignment ada lagi tapi tak rasa nak siapkan. Buruk punya perangai. Goodbye
To the girl who replaced me, I hope you love him the way he deserves. I hope he loves you as deeply as I thought he did me. I hope he's honest with you in a way he never was with me. But most of all, I hope he gives you the fairytale I thought would once be my life. I am sorry for appearing between both of you. If I had a choice, I swear all of us would never meet and tangled in this situation. I know it's you who has fully caught his heart. To be frank, you are very lucky to have a guy like him. I'm sorry for used to fight over something that wasn't belong to me even at the very first. But of course, you do not have to worry about me getting involve with your life anymore, because I swear I will never appear in front of him. Besides, I never even really existed in his dreams like you do. So please give your trust on him. Truly I was hurt, because I know at the end it's still you who will be his first choice, always remember how lucky you are for that. I didn't blame anyone about this. Not even you, not even him. Because this is what we call fate. Fate that met three of us in a story. We do have similarity. Our heart chose the same guy. Well of course, it's because there's something about him that can never be found in someone else, that's why I know why you love him so much, maybe greater than I did.
I'm not trying to show or to be like I'm very good right now, no, and I'm not sure if you and him do have a little care to know because I am pretty sure you guys have already happy together. After all things that happened between three of us, still I can't put the blame on anyone. I know you don't even asked this thing to happen. Of course you would never asked for me to appear between you and him but trust me, I did because I had no idea that there were you in his life. I'm sorry again for making you lost your trust on him. And I know I've hurt your heart as well, for being the third person, unintentionally. Both of us were hurt. Yes I know. But you don't have to worry, because we both know, how is your position in his life, and how mine is. I can't deny that he hurt me too bad. And I was hurt so much. But I only ask one thing from you. Don't hurt him the way he hurt me. Because I believe in karma or we call as kifarah. And I believe people get what they send out to the world. But, I never wish that pain upon anyone. Especially him. I do have some thought about he will probably get the same he did to me, so here please, I hope you won't hurt him the way he hurt me. I hope you don't make him feel the hurt like he made me felt before. Because I know how bad and hurt the pain was and I truly don't want him to feel the same pain he gave to me. I hope we will never meet anymore because I'm not that strong, to see even a little name that similar to you and him. Experiences taught me a lot. And I hope it taught you guys something as well. I may be seem dumb for appreciating something that hurt me badly but I can't deny the fact that it was the same thing that have made me smile before. Same things went to you. I know you've been hurt but I know, you are very happy with him also. Fate tangled us together and now, fate make me decide that I'm not belong to this story. At the very beginning, you should believe that this story is about you and him, and I was just an extra character. I hope you guys find your way, to your dreams together. The boy who I loved, and the girl, who replaced me. No, maybe the girl who will never be replaced.
Found this in my old diary, well notebook maybe. I remember writing this about two months ago, if I'm not mistaken. Well since I take literature, haha, it seemed like I got into the literature mood at that time. So I rewrite this again
Ok. Ok. Ok. Ataupun k.o. Kau sendiri yang tentukan usaha untuk kebaikan diri kau. Nak taknak, selemah mana pun kau, kau kena jugak bangun. Kau kena jugak kuat. Ya memang, kadang rasa sakit tu buat kau persoalkan, adilkah semuanya. Sedangkan kau dah cuba beri yang terbaik. Kau dah cuba untuk jadi yang terbaik. Tapi kenapa. Kenapa.
Seharusnya, tak timbul kenapa dan mengapa. Sebab kau tahu, Allah nak uji kau. Tahap mana iman kau. Tahap mana kuatnya kau. Tahap mana rasa percaya yang kau letak pada Dia. Dia yang mengatur segalanya, mengikut jalan cerita yang terbaik. Tapi, kadang kadang kau takkan mampu tipu diri sendiri. Kau takkan mampu selamanya cakap kau tak kisah, pergi mati semuanya yang melukakan kau. Tapi jauh dalam hati kau, kau tahu apa yang kau rasa sebenarnya. Kadang kau meronta nak tahu, whether everything is still alright. Is that person okay, bahagiakah. Sedihkah. Ketawakah. Menangiskah. Tapi kau tahan sebab kau tahu, kalau kau cari tahu, benda tu akan menyakitkan kau sendiri, sama ada kau lihat dia bahagia tanpa masalah, atau pun kau lihat dia tengah bersedih dengan sesuatu, tetap benda tu akan menyakitkan kau. Sampai bila kau nak siksa diri? Tak cukup lagi segala sakit? Tak cukup lagi segala tangis? Kenapa nak lemah sangat? Tolong, Jasmin. Jangan jadi bodoh.
Sebab kau degil. Otak dah cakap jangan peduli. Lantak. Pergi mati. Tapi hati. Selalu cari masalah. Nak menyakitkan diri sendiri. Nah padan muka, kan. Walaupun berapa kali kau pesan dekat diri sendiri, just forget what you feel and remember what you deserve. Sepatutnya kau dah tak peduli atau cakap pasal benda ni. Benda yang kau tahu menyakitkan kau. Tapi kau degil. Degil gila cadburry. So jangan tanya kenapa masih sakit. Jangan tanya kenapa masih perlu ada tangis. Sebab diri kau Jasmin. Diri kau sendiri.
Sepatutnya kau yakin janji Tuhan. Ya aku yakin. Setiap orang ada bahagian masing masing and this is my part. Segala rasa bahagia tangis tawa, tak selamanya kekal. Mungkin kerana semua tu buat kau lalai. Jadi Allah tarik semuanya. Allah gantikan dengan sakit dan tangis. Tapi tetap semuanya bukan nak melemahkan kau. Tapi semuanya untuk meneyedarkan dan menguatkan. Tapi kau yang belum redha dan ikhlas dengan semuanya. Sebab apa? Kau takut kau takkan dapat sejibik dengan apa yang kau pernah dapat? Sebab kau rasa semua tu dah terbaik, dah perfect. Kau tak tahu baik buruk sesuatu, cepat atau lambat, Allah tahu. Allah tahu Jasmin. Allah tahu sakit kau. Allah tahu setiap tangis kau. Allah tahu lemahnya kau. Allah tahu. Allah tahu. Biarkan kau sakit. Semua tu tak kekal Jasmin.
Selagi kau boleh tolong orang cari bahagia, kau tolong. Bahagia kau, suatu hari Allah akan beri, cepat atau lambat. Allah dah sediakan bahagian kau nanti. Jangan biar diri kau menyusahkan orang. Jangan biar diri kau jadi punca orang tak bahagia. Jangan biar diri kau jadi penghalang kesenangan dan kebahagiaan orang. Mudahkan orang Allah mudahkan kau. Bukan nak tunjuk konon kau baik. No. Tapi sebab kau kena ingat yang hidup ni bukan pasal kau sorang. Bukan cerita kau sorang. Bukan hidup kau sorang. Tapi ada orang sekeliling. Orang orang sekeliling. Yang kau kata kau sayang. Jadi, jangan pentingkan diri.
Monday 29/9 
