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25 Sep 2014

3.20 a.m.

The most hateful time for me is whenever I'm about to try to get some sleep at night. It is so hard for me. Even I'm really tired but whenever I try to sleep, my mind starts to create some scenes. It starts to remind me of all pasts. Past that hurt the most. Maybe it's because of the time. At night, I'm not being surrounded by anyone, family or friends. Even I'm sleeping with somebody but still, I'm fighting my own thoughts alone. It's the time when the empty feeling feels so strong. And it's the time when all the memories start to roll again and again. It pains me a lot, and I'm too tired of remembering all those sweet moments that now literally is hurting me inside. At this late night, tears become too cheap as it rolls down, unstoppable. Till when. Till when that I can stop lying to myself that I'm okay and I'm just fine. Till when do I need to comfort myself that one day when everything will be alright, will actually come. Till when that the day when I'm finally over all those memories that I keep longing even I know they were all fake and it will never come true. Till when I need to lie that I don't care about everything anymore when deep inside I know, it's the same damn thing that keeps going through on my mind firstly when I open my eyes in the morning and lastly after all the struggle I have before I can get some sleep. I'm really, really are tired of my own mind, my own thoughts. I assumed that everything would be easy for me but, did I assumed wrongly this time?

Is it okay for me to once in a while say that, I'm actually not okay with all these things and I really hate hurting myself by remembering all those memories that seem like they can't fade away from this little heart of mine. People said that it is insomnia. No it isn't. Because sometimes I can get to sleep easily. Rarely. But maybe it's true. Because most of the time, I can't really easily go to sleep without struggling with my own thoughts. I keep struggle with my own thought every single nights. And it is so hard. It is painful. They said that time will fade everything away but why, time doesn't seem like functioning at all to me?

Why those memories, those moments, feel so strong that I can't stop longing for them to come again and light up my whole world, again and again. But at the same time, why those hurt I felt before, pains me so much as it's bleeding freshly again and again. I hate those moments that caused the pain but I am longing the ones that caused the smiles on my face. Both happen on the same time and it confuses me. I am confuse with my own self, my own feeling and my own heart. I said that I am strong. Big girl don't cry over little thingy but what happen to my own words now. I said my tears are way too expensive to be wasted on useless things that I know wasn't mine even at the very beginning of the story but why after the story ended, the tears become this cheap as it has no value at all?

I am tired. I am really tired. I just wanna get some sleep, without struggling this hard. Don't I even have a right to get some peace? I just wanna have a rest. I just wanna rest myself from all those memories, truths and also the worrying of the future, just for a short time. Why sleeping also be one of the hardest time that I need to go through in my life when sleeping is one of the way for me to forget everything in this cruel reality of world. 

Someone said that I think too much. He asked me to stop thinking, silent your phone and try to get some sleep, rest yourself. Yes, that's what I'm trying to do but it seems quite hard for me to stop thinking at night. Even I put my phone in silent but, my own mind vibrates louder than the phone's notification sounds. It is the time when I'm alone by myself and it's the time that I will started to remember all the things that I've gone through, all the decisions that I've made, all the words that now I realize that I should and shouldn't said. All the actions that I should and shouldn't did. And also the future that if and only if will be affected as the consequences of the decisions I used to take. Everything. And I keep thinking, is there's any possibility that everything won't turn out this way if there was one thing I did in the past, I actually didn't do it.

Too many things to think and there's few things to be regretted as well and it makes sleeping becomes harder at night. And I do not get enough rest, enough courage to wake up on the next morning to face another reality but that's how life is. I'm longing for the past but right now, I'm convincing myself that, it wasn't meant for me and if it's written that way, it must be something good, better and best for me in it. Even it hurts. Even the pain is unbearable. I'm hardly struggling to bear all these, fighting with my own memories. And sometimes instead of insomnia, amnesia would be better for me to stop thinking of it all but, stop rumbling and just go to sleep Jasmin!

Terima Kasih Sudi Baca Cerita Saya ^^,

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